Although Tavin returned home after that disagreement and he and Julia settled down and fell back into their usual roles, the tension between them was visible. Tavin couldn't deal well with her feelings of regret. Reflecting back, the discussion at the table had been fairly typical and hadn't even taken the course of an argument. Getting up and walking out had pissed Julia off more than any words that could have been spoken. That's how he dealt with things. When he needed to cool off, he separated and worked it out.
No one quite understood why Jess took the conversation so hard. She was drinking and that could have contributed to it. But her immaturity and lack of trust in the one person that was most trustable and dependable had rubbed Jayson the wrong way. He didn't call her or talk to her and when Jess got around to calling him, Jayson broke up with her. When anyone asked why, 'I'm done.' was all he could say. Jay wasn't the kind of guy to elaborate to a house full of people. It had been a spur of the moment decision that he hadn't thought through perhaps, but he felt like it was what he wanted to do at the time.
Tavin somehow felt that he contributed to Jay's decision and talked to him, wanting to assure him that all he had done with Jesslyn that night was take the girl home. She wanted out, asked for a ride and that was all that had happened. "Jay, I swear I didn't mess with her. I didn't touch her. I took her home. That's all." Tavin told him. Jay knew that. He believed that. He didn't doubt his brother's actions and he didn't doubt Jess either. He didn't choose to elaborate with his brother on why or provide any other excuse. He wasn't quite sure himself as it was a feeling as opposed to anything else.
Jay threw himself into finishing the semester at school, worked a extra hours at the pizza shop to keep busy and went on with his life.
As the holiday season progressed, Tavin became more distant. He wasn't using and told Julia that he would not lie to her about that. She knew something was off and he started not coming home and he'd disappear without notice, leaving her to herself and her usual routine of kids and holding down the house. She had a feeling that she knew what he was up to and had no proof, had opted not to go looking for any either. She had all she needed. Tavin may have been tight lipped, but Kelly eventually purposefully put it out there, vibing her energy through the night to her. Kelly showed her the proof she needed and any normal person would have called it anxiety wrapped in a dream, but not Julia. When Kelly let her know, Julia cut Tavin off and left him carry on about his business, wondering if Kelly was a fling or whether he was still in love or whether they'd ever stopped seeing each other. She wouldn't doubt that. That was one of Tavin's traits. When he loved, he loved hard. Julia felt strongly that he wasn't going to love both her and Kelly hard.
She and Jay sat together after dinner most nights while he did his homework or studied. Jay was just as down and withdrawn. No one was talking to anyone and even though the holiday was fast approaching, none of them felt very festive. Julia thought it ironic how after all the time that had passed, that it was still just them in a house taking care of each other and the kids. Although the dynamic of their relationship had changed, they were still together with the strongest relationship of all the people they knew.
"Jay, you can talk to me if you need to." She said, wrapping up her night in the kitchen, having cleaned up the mess of the kitchen and the downstairs while he sat silently in his books. She kissed his forehead before leaving him alone at the table.
"I know, Jules." He said in response, glancing up at her only for a moment.
Instead of going upstairs like she usually did, she went downstairs into the basement. She never went down there and had no reason to. Since everything she needed was on the top 2 floors of the house, the basement was no man's land. She had an idea, wanted to see exactly how much work had been completed there. Once Julia had returned from the beach, Tavin had pretty much halted construction. Jay had never moved downstairs, having opted to stay in his room. The only people that used the basement room were Andy and Anthony occasionally if they slept over.
"Whatcha doing down there, Julia?" He called.
"Looking." She answered, taking in the mess that was the basement. It would be alright if...one hundred things ran through her mind...she didn't want to go home...she didn't want to...leave...maybe...
"Whatcha looking at?" He asked, descending the steps after her and looking around.
"What's done and what's not done. That's all. Curious." She answered.
"Whatcha thinking?"
"Nothing." She replied too quickly.
"You want the basement when you break it off with him." He stated, taking a seat on the steps.
"Oooh, Jay. Just put it out there like that why don't you."
"I think it would be ok." He said. "Why not?"
"Because, Jay. Just because. Life takes one awkward turn after another."
"You'll be alright without him, Jules."
"He would be upstairs, Jay."
"So. I'm upstairs. That doesn't matter to you."
"I can't go back to my dad's, Jay. I don't wanna be watched and have to make excuses and have to-"
"I know, so don't go anywhere. No one wants you to leave."
Julia started to feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. She and Tavin hadn't had the talk yet. "It's why I haven't left yet. I have thought about it. He's starting to piss me off, Jayson. You know what happens when I get pissed off."
"So avoid it. Do something different. Be the better person."
"I made a mistake, Jay. Why didn't you guys stop us? What were we thinking?"
"Wasn't for me to stop. Would you have even listened?"
"Probably not, Jay."
Jay got up and head back upstairs and Julia followed. She spent her free mornings in the basement from then on cleaning out the basement and finished a couple of the projects he'd started. The materials were all there, but the work needed to be done. She wasn't exactly constructing walls or placing foundation, but she knew how to spackle and sand and paint. She made the basement come alive in her spare time. The sad part was no one even noticed what she was doing until the paint odor wafted up the basement steps. Tavin was surprised she'd taken on so much.
"You have other things going on, Tavin. You would only notice if the shit I do wasn't done." She told him. He looked over the light fixtures she'd hung and at the paint job. "I'm not stupid, Tav."
"I know, Julia. I would have helped you."
"I can read and follow directions. Google helped some. I watched YouTube videos."
"It looks awesome." He smiled. She'd hung up curtains to separate the hot water heater and the basement exit and some of the typical basement storage stuff, had unrolled and placed the carpet. It looked like a nice room. "Jay like it?"
"It's not for Jayson, Tavin. He doesn't want the space." She said, leaning against the wall.
"Who's it for then?" He asked, sitting on the carpet.
"We should talk." Julia announced, struggling to find her voice. She was nervous, not knowing what to expect. "Um, I'm not sure where to start this conversation, Tav."
"You sure you even wanna start it?"
"No. But one of us should. I don't wanna leave, Tav. I like it here."
"Oh." He said, reaching for his cigarettes.
"Don't smoke in here." She said. "Please. There's like no ventilation." He pulled his hand away from his pack. Julia started it. "Wanna do this now? I think we should."
"Do what?" He asked.
"Break up." She answered. "She pulls me in. I have watched you."
"Julia, I am being honest. It's not the sex."
"I just don't fucking like you, Tavin. I really thought it would be different."
"I don't fucking like you either. You don't listen to me. We are not nice to each other."
"Ugh, with the fucking nice. I am nice to you."
"You're fucking mean. It's not an insult, but you're not gentle and-"
"You fucking pussy. We don't do gentle. That's not our thing."
"See, that's what I mean." He said. "You're really not upset are you?"
"It gets us out of something we don't wanna be in."
"You're such a fucking bitch, Julia."
"Am I wrong though? Why am I a bitch, cause I don't think I'm wrong."
"So what now?" He asked.
"That's what I'm thinking about. What now?"
"Are you thinking about leaving? Or living down here?"
"Tav, what do you think? It's up to you. Not me."
"You don't have to leave, Red. I didn't say get out. You live here."
"Do you think we can work this out? Not us, but with me living here?" She paused. "I think that if you want the kid, work it out with her."
"You put ideas in my head, Julia." He told her. "I love you. But I love Kelly."
"Oh, my God." Julia laughed. "Are you freaking serious? Ideas..."
"Julia, you brought Macy to me. I don't want Macy. I'm being honest with you. I'm putting it out there just like you."
"You want Kelly as our other? You want me to accept her?"
"Could you do that? Red, you know how I connected with her. You know how I love her. She's the person I make love to. You had me fall in love with that girl. She loves me too and I want you to think about doing this for me. Not me doing that for you. She is part of us, not me."
"Tavin Keller..." She sighed. "Kell isn't into me like that."
"I don't want you together. I want you separate."
"So what about Macy?"
"Julia, hear me out. Why would I even think about hooking up with Macy? Why would I even consider attempting to fall for another girl when I already have another one than I love deeply."
"Deeply?" She laughed. "Did you just say deeply?"
"Don't, Red. You know what I'm talking about. I'm serious."
"Oh, I was under the impression you loved me 'deeply'."
"I do."
"Oh...can I still make love with Macy? Because I love her deeply."
"You can still have Macy. Yes."
"Other guys?"
"No, Red. You know that. You got someone?"
"No, Only you. But it's about more than sex, Tavin. Dammit. What's Kell say about all this? Did you bring this up with her?"
"She thought of it." He admitted.
"Fucking liar."
"Julia, I am not lying. I told her about you and Macy. She said she belongs to me, not Macy. That if I wanted to have another girl, that girl should be her. She's connected to us, Julia. It's how you knew what was going on before I told you."
"You're kidding. She suggested this?"
"She did. I might have been inside her at the time, but that's beside the point."
"So...how's this gonna work? I'm not a side chick. I don't play second very well."
"You're not second, Julia. You're not first anymore either. You'd have to learn to share."
"But I'm confused. Like life just goes on."
"She's not moving in, but if she's here, you can't go freaking the fuck out."
"Oh, really..."
"This frees me up to be with her and not have any guilt about it. Even though you're thinking I'm an asshole, Julia, I do feel guilty."
"And if I say no? Make you choose, Tavin, am I losing here?"
"I don't know, that's all I can answer right now. I told you it's not the sex. I meant that too."
"You have that connection with her. The naked soul." She nodded.
"Naked soul?"
"It is a universe thing. Chess says there's a way we act with people in the world with our clothes on. Kinda like people and relationships. But to be able to have that person you can unclothe the soul for, that's universe shit. The kind of naked that is inside not outside. I kinda have that with you. You seen all parts of me, but you haven't seen all of me. You know?"
"I get it."
"You get it when you're with Kelly. Naked inside and naked outside. I get that with Jay. We don't see the naked outside anymore is all. What Chess calls transcendence."
"What did you have with Chess?"
"We transcended in zombie world. I never loved a boy like I loved Chess. It was, for awhile, perfection. It may have been because we were so dead, so close to crossing over to true death, so close to heaven, Tav. It was beautiful. It's why I married him. It's why I took a chance the second time. It was the best time of my life and my Chess made that place perfect for me. Kelly made that place perfect for you."
"I want that here." He said, looking up at her. "I had that here until I fucked it up."
"I can't give it to you." She frowned.
"No. You can't. We work on so many levels, except for that. You know I can't do it for you either. I see you with my brother. Whatever it is you need, he gives that. I can't. It hurts, Red."
"It's not on purpose, Tavin. It is what it is."
"She says you'll wind up with him again."
"I think I would be so scared to mess that up. I can't hurt him like that again. You told me to quit fucking with his head and I did. End of story."
"So he didn't end things with Jess for you."
"Not that I know of. He won't talk about it."
"Julia, have we always been just fucking?"
"Maybe, but I love you too. I think it's gotta be a little more than just that. Did you ever stop fucking her?"
"No."
"Get out of my room." She smiled.
"Wanna come up to mine?"
"Tavin, I will not."
"Oh, it's like that now?" He asked, hopping off the floor. "You sure about that?" He asked, approaching her. He pressed her against the wall, kissed her cheek. "Julia, think about it." He said.
They were thankfully interrupted by Jayson. "Hey, Tavin. Mommy's on the phone." He called down the steps.
"Our mom?" He called. "What the fuck does she want, Jay?" He asked, hands moving over Julia's chest as he kissed her neck.
"She needs to talk about her release, Tav." He called.
"Shit." Julia mumbled, letting him lift her shirt. "Tav, stop." She said. "Go talk to Karen."
"She can fucking wait." He said, moving to her jeans.
"Tavin, she wants you." Jay called.
"I know she does." Tavin called, unzipping Julia's jeans.
"Tavin, I'm really wet right now." Julia said under her breath. "Gotta get off me."
"I don't wanna get off you." He whispered, pulling her pants down. He turned her around.
"Tav, stop. Your mom."
"Tell her to call back, Jay."
"You asshole." Jay called, walking away from the doorway.
Tavin pulled off Julia, leaving her pull her jeans up. He jogged upstairs to take the call. Julia followed, flipping off the light switch and watched Tavin talk to Karen, pacing the living room floor while he spoke. "Yeah, I get it, mom, but I can't make you any promises." He said, looking over the counter at Jayson who looked more nervous than glad to hear from his mom. "I don't think that'll work out. What about Sandy?"
"Julia, I think she wants to live with us."
"I know." Julia nodded, taking his hand. "It's ok, Jay. Calm down."
"I will have to talk with Jay and Julia. That's all I can say right now." He said. He looked to Jayson. "Mom, you know why I have to talk to Julia." He quieted, listened. "Her opinion does matter. She lives here. She's our family."
"Jayson." Julia whispered, feeling the tears start.
"The baby isn't a baby anymore." Tavin told her, looking at Julia. "Look, we'll talk about this and I'll let you know what we decide." Tavin hung up. "You know what she wants." He told them, approaching the counter. He took a seat on the stool and looked at them for some guidance.
"I don't know. She's not my mom, guys." Julia shrugged. "I'd love to have my mom-"
"It's up to you and Julia." He said.
"Um, I don't know. How would this work out? Where would she sleep?"
Tavin looked at Julia. "My room? The one I just-Oh, God. Where am I gonna sleep?"
"What about Sandy's?" Jay asked.
"Sandy said no."
"What are her options, Tavin?" Julia asked. "Is she being put on the street? Is this temporary till she gets a job and a place? She's not taking the kids from us." Julia stated looking at Jayson.
"She could go in a halfway house and she'd re-enter that way." Tavin replied. "I'm not giving her the kids, guys."
"I'm selfish. You know I consider her mine. She is mine. Fuck it, Tav, I earned the right to say that." She said, shaking. "She's mine."
"Jules, don't cry. The kids aren't going anywhere." Jay assured her, putting an arm around her.
"You don't understand, Jay. I have put too much time and energy and work and blood and sweat and tears into these kids."
"Julia, don't freak out on us. Calm down. I told you the kids are not going anywhere." Tavin repeated himself.
"What expectations does she have? What are her intentions? Can she stay off drugs? Can she-"
"It's a gamble. Julia, that's why I am asking you and Jay."
"She is our family." Jay said.
"I remember it all, Jay. All of it." Tavin muttered. "You were so little."
"I remember enough." He argued. "I don't wanna talk about it though."
"Oh my God, Tavin. This is just the most stupid conversation ever. Sitting here debating whether she would be able to do anything we actively try to do everyday. We have our drug problems here. Our alcohol problems. Our sex problems. Let her. Go ahead. As long as the kids don't get screwed for this I am ok with it."
"But we have a strange way of living here and one has to wonder whether we're the bad influences? I mean, Julia is right. We smoke pot. We drink. The kids are in the middle of all of it." Jay said. "And the fights?"
"Jay, that's the way we live. It's been that way since before she got locked up." Tavin added.
"I think that if she does what she's supposed to do, then we'll be alright. She deserves a chance."
"I'm surprised you feel this way."
"I understand it. People change."
They quieted down when Alex charged down the steps into the kitchen. They decided to give Alex a say, explaining the conversation with his mother and what his mother had asked of them. Alex could have cared less. "As long as Julia wants that, I don't care." He shrugged, taking a bag of chips from the counter. He could barely remember Karen Keller being anything other than a figure that passed in and out of his life. Jay had taken care of him as Tavin had taken care of Jay. Then Julia started taking care of all of them.
"Ok, I'll tell her when she calls."
"When will this happen?"
"January. We got time." Tavin answered, looking at her as Jay held her around her shoulders. "You still ready, Red?"
"No. Call Kelly." She replied. "I can't help you with that."
"Whatever, Julia." He was pissed as he slid off the stool with his phone and charger. He went upstairs.
Jay looked down at Julia. "We had the talk." She said, noticing his interest.
"Went well."
"He's alive isn't he?" She smiled. "Hey, wanna move in together?" She asked, looking to the basement door.
"You tryin' to get me in bed?"
"If I wanted you in bed, I would just come out and say it."
"Oh, it's like that."
"It's just like that." She replied.
As the days passed, Tavin was more pissed off with her. He was moodier than a girl on her period, especially when she had moved her belongings downstairs. She stripped the red room of every trace of herself and relocated. She had her dad bring her bedroom to the house and Jay helped him move it downstairs. Julia had volunteered to put it all back together, but her dad and Jay hung out in the basement. They put the bed back together, which didn't take long and her dad wanted the scoop on why her stuff was being brought to the house. Julia was tight lipped about the whole break up and she didn't really want Jay discussing it with him either. Her dad bothered her, 'Why don't you just come home, Julia?'
"No, daddy."
"You could stop by more."
"I'll see you soon. Christmas, right?"
"Yeah. You can come home if you change your mind."
"That's not home."
Her father had spent the afternoon at her place with her and Jay and the kids. He got an earful on the break up and that Karen was going to get released. He was glad to hear she had a place with them at the house. He'd always liked Karen Keller. Julia suggested he stop by and say hi when January came around. She'd probably like that. During his visit he informed them that the house was being put up for sale and he and Ellen were separating. They'd grown apart and it was a mutual decision. He didn't need a house that big anymore, especially being alone.
"Why would you say come home, if you're selling the house, daddy?"
"Because we could find something else. You're always welcome home, Julia."
"Where's Andy, then? And why didn't he tell me about this? I like just talked to him the other day."
"He went with his mother, Julia. He's not my son."
Julia had him stay for dinner, adding a place at the table for him. He and Tavin got along well despite the break up news. Their break up had been, like him and Ellen, mutual. No harm, no foul. "You sure you still can live together."
"We live together." Jay said, pointing back and forth between him and Julia. "It'll be fine."
"Please, take her. She won't leave." Tavin laughed.
"The room looks great. You did that?" Cal asked him.
"I started it and she finished it." Tavin nodded, pointing at Julia. "She does good work. Maybe she could get a job."
"I wanted a job, you wouldn't let me work, remember?" Julia reminded him as she started gathering up plates.
After the meal and the small talk, Alex was waiting by the door and watching the street for Care's arrival. They could feel it coming off the kid from a room away. When she got there, Care jumped out of the car and ran up to him, hugging him tight. She was a few inches taller than him, having grown up. She came inside the house and hugged Julia and Jayson. She'd been introduced to Cal and Tavin. Rey sat and caught up with everyone for awhile.
"Where's Val?" Julia asked after catching up.
"Val said she doesn't want to come over today."
"Oh, ok. Another day."
"Care wanted to come over right away. Didn't wanna put her bags down or anything. I'll be back for her, alright."
"She can stay as long as she likes."
Julia tucked her dad back in his truck after dinner and watched him leave. She made a call to Andy and told him to come over sometime and dish the dirt on the break up. Mutual or not, there were reasons. Julia wondered what the reasons were. Jay had left for work and Julia and Tavin cleaned up the kitchen.
"I don't need your help." Julia informed him.
"I want to." He answered her, passing off dishes to her as she placed them in the soapy water. He stood behind her as she washed. "I want you." He said, placing his hands on her hips.
"It'll complicate things, Tavin. You want complicated?"
"I love complicated, Julia." He said, kissing her neck. "Please." he said nicely. "Up or down?"
"Not at all, Tavin. I'm serious. Call Kelly please."
"I told you it's not all Kelly, Julia."
"I told you I don't wanna lay down with you again."
"We'll stand up then."
"I'm not a toy. You could at least try to-"
"Fine, Julia." He sighed, kissing her neck. He separated from her.
"Take your phone and start sexting her. Ask for some pics or something. I don't know, but I can't."
"Bullshit. You're making excuses."
"I am. I'm trying to keep the peace here."
"If you wanna keep the peace, you can sleep with me."
"I'm not acting all juvenile and angry and I am not flipping out on you. I could."
"That would make me hornier. I love when you're mad."
"You have issues, Tavin."
"So do you."
"Take your issues to her. Not me. Please. You wanted this."
"Are you really breaking up with me?"
"We don't fuck, Tavin. I moved out of the room, Tavin. Into the basement, Tavin. What do you think that means? Look, I don't want to be mean, but damn. Pay attention, please."
"I didn't want that, Red."
"Choose then. Right now. It's one or the other." She demanded, rinsing the last dish of its soapy foam.
Tavin didn't respond to that. "I thought so, and it's ok. I understand. So let's not have this happen again."
Julia tried to be the better person, taking a page out of Jay's book and following his advice. She usually didn't take advice from anyone, but Jay seemed right. The more Tavin pressed her literally and figuratively, the more disgruntled she got. It only frustrated her having his hands freely roam her body. Her body still reacted to him, but her brain screamed no. She felt anger, but held it back. She felt betrayed, again, but held that animosity back. She couldn't act with Tavin the way she had acted with Jayson and Chess. He wouldn't stand for that even though he was in the wrong. Julia knew where he drew the line and she didn't cross it.
"You promise you know how to act if she comes over?"
"She'll be able to sense the fist if it's coming." She replied sarcastically. "Speaking of sensing, could she stop dragging me in every time you fuck her? I really don't wanna watch."
"She does that?"
"On purpose, Tavin. Is that the way we share you? Can she see us when we go to bed? She's got a GPS on your dick or something?"
"Julia, I didn't know."
"Well, now you do."
Julia took herself into her basement and laid down with the lap top. Alex visited her suddenly. He didn't knock, just barged in like he owned the place. He stood at the bottom of the steps and stared at her. "Need to talk." She asked, having heard Care leave with Rey.
"No, Julia." He replied. He had this nervous little tick going on. His shaggy brown hair hung in his dark brown eyes. A cutie, such a nice smile, easy and soft like Jayson's. He was 13 and he looked all of thirteen, short and thin, hadn't had a growth spurt in a minute. The voice didn't match the body.
"Are you visiting or just gonna stand there? You wanna lay with me? We can watch what you want." He kicked off his slippers and laid down with her on the bed. He chose South Park, which wasn't Julia's favorite, but she watched with him and enjoyed listening to him laugh. She wondered what he wanted. He never dropped in and hung out. There had to be another reason other than her company.
"Hey, Julia." Alex said, staring at the lap top screen.
"Yeah," She said, thinking how stupid this show was.
"You said I could tell you stuff or come ask you stuff."
"I did." She cringed. Here we go...she thought...
"When you're with a girl, how do you put your mouth there?"
"My mouth..." Oh my God...she thought... "Where's your brother?"
"Which one?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Upstairs."
"Couldn't you ask them?"
"Tav's asleep and Jay's at work." He answered. "I wanted to, but I was scared she wouldn't like it."
Think...think..."Um, well...it's not that complicated. You want a blow by blow or-"
"Oh, I'm not sure, Julia."
"It's um weird the first time. I, um, was kind of scared I guess, even though I really wanted to. Once you're there, you know whether she's liking it. You sure you wanna go mouth first?"
He didn't answer, but he waited for her explanation, which she gave as discreetly and as openly as possible. "Do what gets the reaction. If you get no reaction, then switch it up cause she's fuckin bored."
"Oh, thanks, Julia."
"Do I need to buy you condoms? Is that what you plan on doing?"
"Julia, we-uh- we already kind of-"
"Awe, Alex. Did you? God, you're just a-did you use anything?"
"Um, we uh, she told me to-no, but...Are you mad?"
"I would have wanted you to wait, but what's done is done."
"I liked it." He said, blushing.
"I know. I like it too, but you gotta cover it up. Geeze, have we taught you nothing?"
"I thought you'd tell me no. Make her leave."
"I wouldn't do that."
"It's what we wanted to do." He said.
"I know. Condoms, Alex. It's that simple."
"Can I have some then? Tavin says he never uses them."
"I'll get some for you, yeah. And you aren't him."
Tatia and Alex were up with Jay, early. Christmas was the only day of the year they voluntarily got out of bed without being woken up, asked, begged or hollered at. Julia had fallen asleep on the sofa, waiting for them. She'd been up half the night watching TV and thinking about Alex laying up with Care in bed. She couldn't shake the thought. How she'd been unprepared for the event, like she was hoping it wouldn't happen. She got up with them, made coffee and sat on the sofa with Jayson watching them open their presents in a half asleep, half awake mode. Tavin didn't want presents and he didn't participate. He hated holidays. Like Jayson had hated holidays. Alex and Tatia ate up the holiday though, still young enough to be excited about presents under a tree.
"Are you running this morning, Jay?" She asked him, looking at Alex unwrap his gifts.
"I don't know. Why?" He asked.
"I need something from the store. If you're not, then I can have Tav stop."
"I can go to the store. What do you need?"
"Later." She said, shaking her head, looking at the clock on the wall.
She got up and made Tavin's cup of coffee in his travel mug. She handed him his lunch and sent him on his way. "Dinner, Tavin. Don't ditch out on us. I'm serious." She said, following him through the kitchen door.
"Are you psychic or something?"
"It's a gut feeling and my gut is reminding you that you eat with your family."
"Ok." He nodded.
"Tav, I know you're mad at me, but it's Christmas."
"I'm not mad at you. I'm leaving, Julia." He said, pulling open the car door.
"I love you."
"Julia, fuck you."
"Have a good day."
Jay put the Frozen DVD in for Tatia who had dressed like Elsa from head to toe, complete with a crooked blond wig and her blue dress. Julia had never sat and watched the whole movie through, but Jay had. He even knew the lyrics to the songs. She watched them sing together and watched Tatia dance. Her brown hair very visible beneath the blond wig. He's gonna be such a good dad...Julia thought.
Toward the end of the film, Tatia turned to them. "I want a sister." She demanded. "Gimme a sister."
"Ok, one day." Julia answered.
"Now." She demanded.
"Ok, Tatia." She replied. "I'll try and find one, baby."
Tatia turned back to the movie. Julia looked at Jay, "Speaking of sisters..."
"You wanna make one?" He joked.
"Nah, not really. But we could keep your brother from making one. I need you to go to the store for that."
"Oh, no. I'll talk to him again."
"It's a done deal, Jayson." Julia shook her head.
"When I was at work..."
"Yeah."
"Ok, then." He said. "He told you."
"Yes. After..."
"And-"
"He liked it."
"Oh my God."
"He had questions about...instructions...you weren't here."
"Instructions?"
"It doesn't come with a book." Julia reminded him.
"Sadly, no it doesn't. It would be easier. Instructions on what?"
"Something I can do. A skill I have."
"Oh, you instructed?"
"I was honest with my description. I gave him some tips. But I think he would have preferred that from you. Had to watch two hours of Southpark before he brought it up."
"Oh, sorry about that. I know you hate Southpark."
"It's vile." Julia told him. "Nasty children." She muttered.
"Stewie Griffin though, Julia."
"Leave Stewie Griffin alone, Jay." Julia warned him. "The boy's young. God." She complained, shaking her head.
"We weren't a lot older."
"It bothers me for some reason, like I feel like I failed."
"Julia, I think he got the best Christmas present ever."
"You know what happens when you get the best Christmas gift ever, you want Christmas every day, all the time."
"I know."
"Want more coffee?"
"Please." He replied.
They spent the entire day together, except the time that he took to run to the store. They made dinner together, played around on the internet together, talked and entertained Tatia together. "You bored, Jay."
"Nope." He smiled at her. His nice smile.
She left him hang around her, it felt nice, it felt ok. It felt very much like it used to. Is that what he's up to? Was Tavin right about him breaking up with Jess to get closer to her? How much closer can we get? Julia asked herself. Would it be so bad? She asked herself. She pushed him a little to gauge her instinct. Stood a little too close to him and he didn't move away. Nah, this is in my head...she thought, putting some space between them. He was acting his usual nice self. Attentive and sweet, talkative and happy. He stayed stuck on her hip though every turn she made.
They shared holiday phone conversations with their friends. Chatted with Macy who was being a bitch and wasn't coming home for Christmas. She had her own issues she was dealing with and she didn't want Julia involved. "Macy, don't do anything stupid." She assured Julia she'd live to see the next holiday and then got off the phone. She had a feeling Macy wasn't coming back. She was glad she saw her over Thanksgiving and forced her worries about Macy out of her head. She reminded herself that Macy was in charge of Macy.
Julia redirected their conversation into the future. She confessed she'd been online looking for a job of some kind. Something part time to keep her busy. Something where she could be with people, meet new people.
"Meet new people for what?"
"I have needs, Jay. Human interaction, Jay. You know...don't you?" Push him...Julia smiled inside...See if you're wrong or right..."You have to. Have you met anyone? You broke up with Jess and there has to be a reason. So who is she?"
"No one." He answered.
"No one. You're not interested in any girl, Jayson?" She asked, prodding him, pushing toward the line to see if he'd open up. He remained silent. Odd, she thought. Awkward even. She didn't like him awkward, uncomfortable. He had so many positives, good traits going for him. Smart and sweet and cute. Didn't he see that in himself? She couldn't understand it. "You alright, Jay?"
"I am." He replied, pulling back from her. "I know I did the right thing, breaking up with Jess. I don't even feel bad about it. I don't feel anything at all."
"Ok," She smiled. "You'll meet someone."
Julia sat next to him with her coffee and played with her phone while she waited to see if he'd elaborate. They watched videos on YouTube and laughed. They scrolled through twitter. She never tweeted, but she liked the memes and the pictures and reading other people's thoughts. She'd followed a bunch of pages, the ones for dating and sex and relationships and twitter, on the right day and the right time turned into a porn site. All kinds of lovey-dovey stuff to positions to pics, gifs and memes. Nothing too nasty, but tits n ass all the same.
"Doesn't it get you all worked up looking at stuff like that?"
"Sometimes, yeah. That's what it's for I guess." She answered. "Speaking of getting worked up. What did you say to your brother?"
"That's none of your business." Jay replied quickly.
"Oh, ok. Never mind then."
"He told me what you said."
"Did I go too far?"
"I told him you were right. Added a couple things here and there."
"Did you explain how to use the rubbers?"
"Yes."
"Did you explain how important it is?"
"Yes, mom." Jay rolled his eyes. "No one fucking told me. I had to figure it out on my own."
"Is that why so many broke?" She asked.
"Maybe," He laughed.
As they got dinner together and put it on the table, Julia's dad arrived. He remarked how good it smelled. It turned out to be just the 5 of them eating dinner. Tavin, who swore he'd be home never showed up. It was the most normal, boring, fight free, fun meal they shared in ages. Julia, Jay, Cal and the 2 kids. They exchanged presents after dinner. He got them gift cards and he upgraded Julia's phone, got her some survival books, which she laughed at then started flipping through. After Cal left, Julia and Jay cleaned up and went back to the couch in the living room with the books and the phone. Jay set up her phone while she looked at the books.
"You mad he didn't show up?"
"Nah, I'm not surprised, Jay. He doesn't like holidays."
"I don't mind them as much anymore." He said, scrolling through her Facebook. "You have a couple messages. Mark, Georgie."
"Open them. What do they say?"
He read the message from Mark. "Merry Christmas, sexy." She giggled at that. "Holiday's suck. I hate this family. I want to use. I want to leave. Why did I come here? Are you still with that boyfriend? I'm still single."
"That's Mark." She shrugged.
"Georgie. Merry Christmas, special girl. Spending the holiday with his girlfriend's family. He's asking her to marry him."
"Awe, he's so sweet."
"You wanna reply?"
"No. Later." She answered. "I'll text them."
Jay looked through Mark's profile. Lots of girls in bikinis. Lots of girls period. He obviously liked a lot of girls. "He's a whore, Jay." She said, looking at the pics. "He's a good looking guy, too. No wonder. He's always got a different girl."
"He's in Miami."
"His dad's loaded. His family lives there. He roams around surfing, getting laid. I worked with him at the beach, but he doesn't have to work at all. He's a cool guy."
"How far you scrolling back. babe?" She asked. "Oh, you wanna see if I'm in there somewhere? Nothing dirty I assure you."
She went back to her book and looked at the pictures in the book of different edible plants.
"Here you are." He said. He had captioned the picture 'this girl'. Julia in her diner uniform before the shift started. She hadn't put her hair up yet. The tight uniform adhered nicely to her body. It even gave the appearance she had some sort of a chest. She smiled in the picture, one of those smiles that had probably leveled up to laughter.
"Oh, I like that picture." She said. She looked at the top comment beneath the photo, 'is she next?'
Reply, 'Nah, not a chance in hell.' "Alright, Jay. Get outta there." She said.
"Not a chance in hell." He laughed.
"You wanna go through my text messages too?" She asked, moving closer to him. Shoulder to shoulder, she could feel how warm he was.
"No, sorry, Julia. You put the phone in my hand, Julia. Like all day we-" He stopped, avoiding the tension.
"You're right. I did." She said, taking the new phone from him. She held it up, "Smile, Jay." She nudged him. He smiled and she snapped a picture. She uploaded it to Face book and captioned it 'besties'.
He smirked..."Besties."
"It's what you are." She told him. "Thick and thin." She smiled, grabbing his hand.
"Good or bad." He added, intertwining his fingers with hers.
"It's always us."
"Not such a horrible thing, is it?" He asked.
"No, it's not, Jayson." Butterflies swirled around in her stomach. She felt the flutter. She hadn't felt that in ages. It felt good. She didn't want to read too much into it. His sweaty palm held her hand so tight. He wanted to speak, but he also held back. "Jayson, I-" He tugged her hand and brought her closer, then kissed her. It was so smooth an action it had caught her off guard. She went with it. Jay's slow kisses...hadn't changed much. She had no urge to push him away from her or tell him to stop. She left him kiss her and she kissed back. That slow kiss that goes on forever, like a first kiss, a much needed kiss. The kiss that bonds you or reminds you of your bond. The kind of kiss that speaks for itself and says more than any words could say. The kind of kiss that took on a life of its own. Her skin flushed warm, the butterflies fluttered wings in her belly. Finally...she thought to herself.
"I wanted to do that all day, Jules." He said, leaving go of her hand.
"Uh-ok. That's fine." She nodded.
He looked at her strange. That's fine...he tried to feel her out...what was she thinking? She dropped the books over the side of the couch, the phone too. She appeared confused, turning her body toward him, when he had separated from her. "Do you want me to stop?" He asked.
"No." She answered, shaking her head. "No." She repeated as he reached for her, guiding her close to him. He laid her back on the couch, laying with her, continued kissing her till Alex came downstairs to wait for Care.
"Julia, are you drunk?" Alex asked, standing at the door.
"No." She answered him. She stopped kissing Jay, but stayed laying with him. She didn't want to get up from him. Jay didn't seem bothered by his brother there either as his lips moved to her cheeks, her neck, her shoulder.
Tatia came barreling down the steps next. "Oh, my gosh, you're making my sister." She screamed happily, watching Jay kiss her. Jay switched spots and laid behind her on the couch and pulled his lips from her. For Tatia, kissing meant baby making. She was still wearing her Elsa dress and wig and she started messing with the DVD player. "Jay, put on my movie." She demanded.
"Again, Tati?"
"Again." She said, handing the remote to Jay.
"Julia, I was online and there's an active area on that site I showed you. Not a lot of details yet, but-"
"Where?" Julia and Jay asked.
"It's in Delaware, near Care's. I'm glad she's here, not there."
"Yeah, me too." Julia replied. "Think that's why Chess didn't answer his phone?" Julia asked Jay.
"Could be, if it's the real deal." Jay said. He could feel her anxiety coming off her. "Let's not over think this. They'll put out the fire."
"Christmas, too. That sucks." Julia pulled away from Jay and got up.
The site indicated the area as yellow when Julia got on the website. She had to ask Alex to explain the color coding. Status pending, it could go either way. Back to red or fade to black. Julia opened the chat room and read through the posts. Photos, only two. A row of bodies. The photo was so dark, a field of some sort with bright fluorescent lights in the distance. The second photo, a fire. Bodies on fire. A third and fourth photo popped up, military personnel, covered head to toe and so faint they nearly blended into the background, dressed in black combat gear. She'd recognize that pint sized marine's body a mile away. Julia screen shotted the pic and sent it to the email she and Chess shared. She titled the email, 'firestarter'.
They closed the app and set the iPad aside when Care came inside. Val was at her side, the quiet and shyer version of the super confident Carolina. The Cruz sisters were definitely a presence, staying close and chatting with Jay and Julia.
"I thought Frank was coming." Val said.
"I talked to him earlier. He said later."
Julia sensed what was coming. She didn't need to be psychic to feel that Tavin would bring them home with him.
She texted Kelly. -you on your way?
She replied after a couple minutes-is it ok?
Julia replied-no bullshit.
Kelly replied-no bullshit. awkward...
Julia replied-my whole life is awkward. it's cool. Bring Frank, he has a visitor.
Julia felt comfortable with everyone dropping in as long as she didn't start drinking. If she started drinking, the whole day would fall apart. She reminded herself to control herself. Tavin could do whatever he chose to do and she'd live with it, be alright with it. She reminded herself what Jay said, be the better person, let it roll off and carry on.
"They're coming." Julia said, setting her phone down. Kelly needed a pep talk, nervous about being face to face with Julia. Julia was usually so unpredictable, her apprehension was justified. "She thinks she's getting beat up."
"Oh, please don't." Jay groaned.
"I won't. I'm being the better person."
"You're listening to me?" Jay asked, sliding his arm around her waist.
"I thought I would try it on, see if it fits." She answered. Although she was needing a drink, she didn't want one and in the middle of need and want she sat idling till Jayson touched her again. She was lost in thought over that. How far would they go? Was that all they'd do? Would they...interrupted by the sound of the car, pulling into the driveway. She sat frozen watching Frozen. If she could get past seeing them together, then...maybe...she'd be ok. When she stood up to hug Frankie and say hi to him, Jay stood with her. Close. His hand was on her ass.
"Where's Daniel?" She asked.
"Home, playing with our cousins." Kelly answered, keeping distance, more than an arm's length away. Tavin walked past them all, seemed comfortable as he went to the kitchen and into the laundry room. He wanted to get changed. He'd drop the uniform on the floor. He'd leave it for her to pick up. He came back in shorts, spied Jay's hand on Julia's ass. If it bothered him, he didn't mention it.
"You guys eat dessert yet?" He asked.
"If you had-" She started to nag. "No. Help yourself." Julia smiled, biting her tongue.
"Want some?" He asked opening up the pies.
"Apple crumb with vanilla ice cream, yeah. Microwave it for 15 seconds." Julia spoke up first.
"Jay?" He asked, looking over the counter. He held a knife in his hand almost too big to be cutting pies.
"We'll share." Julia said.
"Looks like it." Tavin said, cutting her slice and scooping the ice cream on top like she liked it. He popped it in the microwave.
"Kell?" He asked.
"P-pumpkin. Ppplease. With cool whip." She answered.
"Well, isn't this awkward?" Julia said, walking to the counter. She hopped up on the stool and sat down. Tavin set her plate in front of her. "So how was dinner with the fam?" She asked Tavin. Her voice almost too nice. Too calm.
"Good." He answered, setting Kelly's plate next to Julia's.
"Yours?" He asked.
"Good." She said, taking a bite of the pie. "Dad was here. Your card's over there. He said thanks for the gift we got him." Julia said, pointing over her shoulder to the table next to the tree.
He leaned on the counter and started eating his slice of apple minus the ice cream. "Work fuckin' sucked. All heart attacks."
"Codes?"
"Yeah, dead bodies on Christmas. Such a joy." He smirked.
"Live ones are so much better." She giggled.
"Julia and Jay are making me a sister." Tatia announced, climbing onto the stool beside her. She asked for ice cream.
"Oh, they are?"
"They did, Tavin." Tatia said excited. She watched Tavin scoop out some ice cream and hand it to her when she climbed down. She sat on the floor watching Frozen and ate quietly.
"There's no sister." Julia whispered, shaking her head. "It's a frozen thing." She said, looking toward the TV screen.
"She thinks kissing gets you babies." Alex added, taking the pie off the counter and the kids divided up the pies and plates among themselves.
"So we're kissing now?" He asked Julia. He looked at Jayson. He slid Kelly's plate over to the next seat. "Kelly, come eat."
She had her senses tingling over there by the door, feeling out the situation, waiting for someone to diffuse it. She reluctantly sat on the stool next to Jay and started eating her pie. He was glad there was a counter separating them. "You can fuck who you want. Didn't take long is all."
"It wasn't like that." Jay said, dialing down the animosity.
"You know I actually believe that coming from you. I'm not surprised."
Julia kept quiet. She let them go back and forth. He wouldn't come at his brother and insult or accuse like he would have with Julia. He knew Julia, how she would let the slut out for someone she wanted, but not with Jay. Julia slid the pie to Jay and he picked up the plate. As Jay took a bite, he saw Tavin about to say something. At that moment Julia felt more psychically gifted than Kelly.
"Please, don't say it, Tavin." Julia said quickly, catching him before he spoke. "Tav, no." She plead with him. Their attention turned to her. She knew exactly what Tavin was thinking and it wouldn't have been a pleasant exchange that followed. "If this is about us, I'm fine with that. Don't turn this into something between you and him."
"What 'us'?" He asked, acting calmer and cooler than he felt.
"Tavin, exactly. What 'us'? I know exactly how you feel. I'm right here."
"It's not a big deal." Alex said. "You broke up and your girlfriend is right there. What is the problem?"
"It's-" Tavin paused. "Not a problem."
"It's too soon and you don't wanna see it." Kelly said.
"Just say that. God." Alex added.
"You don't wanna see it?" Julia asked. "I'm looking right at it. But you don't wanna see it." Julia looked at Tavin.
"Jules, you said it was ok." Kelly said.
"It is, Kelly." She looked to Tavin. "Trust me."
"Trust you?"
"Yeah, I haven't given you any reason not to." She said, thinking of the reasons she had for him not to trust her that he had no idea about.
"Whatever, Red." He sighed, gathering up the plates and throwing them away.
"Answer the phone." Kelly said, heading to the kitchen table for the last slice of pumpkin pie before the kids finished it off.
Julia's cell started beeping, so she answered it. It was Chess.
"I'm fine, Julia." He whispered. "I'll call you later. No more emails. What the fuck."
"I'm glad. I'm sorry. That was you right?"
"Right." He whispered. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas. We love you." She said.
"We, who the fuck is we, Julia?"
"Us, all of us." She replied, looking around the room.
"Well, he's safe." She mumbled after he hung up. "Merry fuckin' Christmas, people."
Julia walked away and hid in the bathroom with her phone. It was risky making a call, but it was riskier taking photos of the scene. Julia stayed in there awhile, avoiding seeing Kelly's cute face in her kitchen and avoiding another go round with Tavin. But Jayson...the butterfly whisperer. She looked at the shower, looked at the razor, debating whether to shave or not, then pushed it out of her head. She hadn't been laid in a minute, since Kelly brought her in with her and her boyfriend. Granted that timeframe was short, but for her a few weeks was an eternity. She stopped the thoughts from churning through her brain. She heard footsteps on the stairs, Tavin and Kelly. More footsteps. The kids. She decided to escort Tatia to bed and get her tucked in. She'd been up since the crack of dawn and Julia had been up by default.
She pulled herself together and went back downstairs. As the movie ended, she informed Elsa to go to bed. With or without the costume, she didn't care whether Tatia or Elsa laid down but it was time. Jay sat at the counter still and watched as Elsa whined her way upstairs, waiting for Julia to come back down. Frank and Val occupied the couch, talking and channel surfing. She didn't want to think about what Alex was doing and she didn't want to think about what Tavin and Kelly were doing either. She head through the kitchen to the basement door. She disappeared downstairs into the she-cave and left the door open. After a bit of laying on her bed alone, staring at the drop ceiling, she wondered if Jay was coming down at all. He'd spent the day following her around and getting her moist with his kisses. She crawled beneath her blanket and got comfy, closed her eyes and watched the movie Kelly played for her. Fucking bitch...Julia groaned, opening her eyes back up.
"I'm not in this, Kelly. Knock it off." She thought aloud, closing her eyes again. Still there. "Tell him I am out. No." She said, annoyed. "Turn it off." She opened her eyes again, waited a couple minutes in the darkened room and then closed her eyes. Still there. "I'll come up there and it wont be pretty." She warned her. Gone. Just like that.
"Jules," Jay called from the top of the stairs. "Are you awake?"
"Yea."
"Can I come down?"
"Sure, Jay." She called, staying in her comfy spot. He undressed standing at her bedside in the dark and then got in bed with her. He lay on his side kissing her while he held her. He was so soft, so tender as his hands skimmed over her body. He touched her everywhere but the basic places. "Jay, this is gonna sound weird." She said, putting her arms around his neck and guiding him onto her.
"What's that?" He asked, settling between thighs. He lifted her as her shirt came off. His arms so strong beneath her. She was shy with him. Hadn't been shy with anyone in so long.
"Make love to me." She said, feeling silly even saying it.
"I didn't plan on fucking you." He said in her ear as he entered inside her.
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