Julia spent the weekend watching Tavin and Macy chat and fuck. They looked like they were enjoying each other and time as it passed, both alone and with Julia. Julia wasn't exactly a stranger with Mace, so she went about her routine day, but she was glad she was visiting. Tavin was still on the fence with her and by the time he took her to the train to return to school, his ultimate answer about keeping Mace was no. He was open to getting to know her and hanging out with her as a friend and seeing where it would go and Julia could do the same. But to answer her right then and there on a Sunday afternoon, he had to say no, which Julia understood and so did Macy, so there were no hurt feelings. It was a start and Julia got in a good visit with her friend, that was all that had mattered to her.
When they came home from dropping her off at the train, Jay and Alex seemed to miss the girl too. The weekend wasn't just getting to know Tavin. Jay had hung out with her and Alex pretty much hung back and liked watching Macy sit or read or talk or eat. Alex was smitten. "Awe, you took her away?" Alex frowned.
"She's got school. The semester doesn't end for like three more weeks." Tavin told him.
"She will be back then?" Jay asked.
"You guys like her that much?"
"Yes." They answered. Both had their own selfish reasons.
They sat at the kitchen table, listening as Julia and Tavin talked about Macy. Jay was texting and Alex was on the iPad. He looked up the sites for Julia and showed them to her, the ones she'd been interested in seeing. He was signed into the chats, so Julia could read what was being written. It appeared to be like an underground movement or a community of persons who had some first hand knowledge on the subject of zombies, the end of days, ideas for weapons and ideas for shelter. They all had ideas. They all had stories and some were merely there like Alex had said, for the doomsday prepper aspect. There was talk of underground bunkers and costs and ways to procure water and treat it. It was all very interesting. It was also random, depending on what kind of chat or forum you were searching. Julia clicked on a room and read through the chat as it took place. He took her to a couple more websites, similar in nature and decided enough was enough. She turned it off and opted out of any further chats or information.
"But Julia it gives you a heads up too." Alex said.
"A heads up on what, Alex?"
"Events as they happen and pictures. Like the one in Buffalo. It'll send you an alert to your email if there's something going on."
"Really? Show me."
"Pictures."
"Yes."
Alex signed back in and clicked on the events tab. "See there are none, but if you hover here." He said placing his finger over the black dot on the map of the U.S., it opened up on the event. Black dots meant contained or past events and red dots meant active or live events. Alex opened up Buffalo, NY and showed her the first hand accounts and the pictures like she'd requested.
"Jayson, look at this please." Julia said. "Jay." She called, pulling his attention away from his text messages. She pulled up a chair next to him and showed him the event as she peeked at his phone screen.
"Who is she?" Julia asked him.
"A chick from Mav East." He answered. His eyes scanned the pictures from Buffalo and read the first hand accounts or witness statements that were on the site. He looked at several very real looking pictures of the dead. He pointed out which were real and a couple fakes.
"Mav East doesn't have a shirt on."
Tavin's interest perked up at that point. "Lemme see." He said. Jay held up the iPad for him to view the dead infected. "No, the girl, idiot." Jay slid his phone across the table and Tavin took in the several pics of Mav East's girl. "Are you fucking around on Jess?"
"No." he answered flatly. "Macy gave me her number."
"For what? Cause it looks like-"
"It's not what it looks like."
"This looks like a pussy, Jay. I think I know what it looks like."
"Can I see?" Alex asked, getting up and moving to Tavin. Tavin let him look.
"C'mon, brother. He's a kid." Jay objected. Tavin rolled his eyes at Jay and flipped through the pics for him. "Jess wants to hook up, but she's scared to even talk to the girl."
"Really?"
"Really, thanks to her." Jay pointed to Julia. "Now I get to play go between for my girl horny girl and Steffie, the nude girl in the pics."
"Sounds like a done deal if she's nude."
"I agree, but Jess needs a personality to go with the body."
"Why?" Julia asked.
"Yeah, why?" Alex asked.
"Can I have the phone please? Please." Julia said, hand out to Tavin. Jay didn't seem to mind, looking at Zombies.
"Jay, are you paying for her?"
"Um, I might have to. Macy said-"
Julia started texting Steffie and got a list of what could and could not happen. Blah, blah, blah. Julia arranged the day and time.
"Where is this happening, Jay?"
"No clue yet." He answered. "Didn't get that far."
Julia texted Steffie and told her to pick the place. "Why's she doing this?" Julia asked.
"Who knows? Why did-" He stopped himself from asking the question only because Alex was present.
"Wednesday, 8pm, bring cash and pay for the room." Julia said. "Get her something to drink or you could wind up losing money on this girl. You have a couple hours, so don't waste your time. She's cheap too. She should charge more."
Julia texted Jess and told her to be ready and not to back out. Jess was astonished that Jay had even invested that much time and effort into it. "She's a whore, baby girl. She'll be whoever you want her to be. Want a red wig too?" Julia texted her. Jess believed she was texting Jay.
When she replied- yes, lol.
"You realize the carpet won't match the drapes, Jesslyn."
She replied-never mind then!
"Wednesday, 8pm."
K-she texted with a heart emoji.
"Ugh, I hate emoji's." Julia sighed, handing him the phone.
"Do I tip her?" Jay asked, looking at the other event map areas, the pictures, the death tolls.
"No." Julia answered. "Keep her in your phone. If she's any good and Jess likes her, then..."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"You don't have to pay for it. There's free pussy everywhere, Jay." Tavin told him.
"I know. I'm uncomfortable with that part, but Macy seems to trust her, so I guess it's worth it. Plus the chick has to deal with Jess."
"She wants to though. And Jess knows exactly what to do."
"She thinks all girls are like her." Jay pointed at Julia. "And they're not. You can't replace one with another and expect the same results. Y'know?" Jay said, having put some thought into Jess's state of mind.
"Julia, what did you do to her for God sake?" Tavin mumbled.
"Only what she let me do, Tav, gosh. I wasn't this sex monster, preying on her. We loved each other. That's all. I'm surprised she still even has feelings. She remembers more than I thought she would."
"So Mav East doesn't make any sense if she's looking for the same experience she got with her." Tavin said to Jay.
"Why don't you just sleep with Jess?" Alex asked Julia. "You sleep with Macy." He pointed out.
"Cause I can't." Julia answered. "She's not mine to sleep with anymore."
"So she's going to some stranger. If you can sleep with Macy, then you can sleep with Jess."
"Alex, stop it. We shouldn't talk like this in front of the kid." Jay said, looking between Tavin and Julia.
"Ok, I'm sorry, Jay." Julia said.
"But you did that at the table the other day, so what's the difference?"
"Yeah, Red, explain that please."
"She didn't argue. I thought it was what she wanted." Julia answered. "And I was right."
"It would save us money. Julia is what Jess wants." Alex added.
"Us? You chipping in?" Jay asked annoyed by the kid's input.
"Well, you don't have a lot of money, Jayson." Alex said.
"Alex, this is none of your business."
"I'm trying to help."
"Thanks for trying to make Jess's sex life better." Tavin smiled at him.
"There's nothing wrong with it the way it is now." Jay said, feeling insulted.
"For you."
"Ok, Tavin, you wont have a problem with them getting together?"
"As long as you aren't there. No."
"As long as you are there either." Jay told him.
"That's going to start problems, Jay and you know it. I don't sleep with either one of you for good reason. There's a million girls in this world. I successfully found at least 20 of them, so can she."
"She doesn't even like girls." Jay told her. "She doesn't look at them or talk about them or anything. Not like you do."
"Take her to Mav east, Jay." Julia said, feeling like she was about to be sold off to Jay and Jess. "Pussy is pussy. She wants a girl to touch her. I don't think it has to necessarily be me."
"But she'll think about you. She's gonna come outta there feeling-"
"Stop it, guys. God, just pay me the money. Cause that's what this feels like right about now. Or better yet, hand it over to him and work out the details. Ok." Julia got up from the table. "Let me know when and whose bed we're getting into. Maybe we could drink vodka first and get totally wasted? Maybe I could just fuck all of you. Open up the room. Fuck you, Tavin Keller." She said as she walked away from the boys at the table, feeling like the paid hooker she used to be.
"Think she's pissed?" Tavin asked.
"I wasn't serious, like were you serious? She took that seriously?"
"She did." Tavin said, looking toward the living room. "I should let her cool off?"
Jay looked at him and shrugged. "You know something I don't. She's pissed at you."
A moment later a blanket and a pillow flew down the steps and landed on the floor at the bottom. They stared at the bedding. "Shit." Tavin mumbled.
"Hey, she could have broke your nose." Jay mentioned, looking back at the iPad.
"Uh, no she couldn't." Tavin corrected him. "She wouldn't dare do that shit with me. She knows better."
"She just did that." Alex said, pointing to his uniform that landed near the bedding.
Tavin was visibly annoyed at that point. He got up and picked up his uniform. Jay could sense he wasn't having this. "Leave her be, Tavin." Jay suggested.
"I am." He replied, tossing the pillow to the sofa as well as the blanket. "For now." He added, flopping on the couch with the remote. If he went upstairs after her, he'd go into world war three unarmed. He needed to think about exactly what he said. Was he reminding her of Chess and Kevin or was it the whole Philly experience weighing on her? Their words hadn't helped the situation at all.
Jay set the iPad aside and texted with Jess awhile. Alex took it back and chatted up Care, who he hadn't talked to in a couple weeks.
"Alllllllexxxxxxx," Care squealed happily. "I miss you."
"Me too." He said staying reserved.
"OMG, we're coming." She giggled. "Mami's bringing us to see Aunt Luz!" She squealed.
"When, Bae? He asked.
"Bae?" Jay laughed.
"Christmas." She squealed, sounding more excited that she was coming to Maverick than for the actual holiday itself.
"I wanna see you."
"Aaahhhh! I wanna see you too!" She gushed happily.
Alex stuck his head phones on and had a conversation with Care that lasted till the battery died on the iPad. Jay had lost himself in homework and as the end of the first semester in college neared, all he wanted to do was quit. Alex's voice brought him out of his homework.
"Think Rey could bring her over or I could go there? I wanna see her." Alex asked.
"I don't see why not. I think Julia may want to see her and I haven't seen her in a long time."
"Frank could come over and hang with Val too, but they don't chill like me and Care."
"I think you could chill with Bae, Alex." Jay smiled, trying not to laugh. "I thought Jules was Bae.".
"Julia, too knows about Care, Jay."
"She knows that Care is Bae?"
Alex was quiet a moment, thinking about that. "She'll be home by Christmas." Alex said honestly.
"She will?" Jay asked.
"Yeah, sure. Her parents got this place, so she'll be going home. I wanna hang out with Care. She'll understand."
"You think so, Alex?"
"I think so. Jay, me and Julia, too are not a couple. I keep telling you that."
"Does Julia, too know that?"
Alex thought quietly another moment. "She'll be gone by Christmas, Jay."
"Oh, don't hurt her, Alex."
"I'm not hurting her if she doesn't know about her being here. Right?"
"Girls find stuff out, Alex. They always do. I'm only telling you from experience. Don't fuck with her head."
"You don't understand."
"I do understand." Jay argued with him. "Remember that Care will leave and Julia will still be here when she's gone."
"Jay, no you don't understand. I want to fuck Care."
"I said I do understand. What's Care doing in Delaware, Alex?"
"Same thing I'm doing here." He answered.
"No, come on. She's too far away."
"What if she wasn't that far away? What if she comes and doesn't leave? Stays with Luz?"
"Her mom won't let that happen." Jay answered.
"What if we disappeared?" Alex asked.
"What? Are you crazy?" Jay asked, raising his voice. "Don't you dare. Don't even think that."
"But-"
"She is the first of many. There's so many other girls in the world and-"
"And what, Jay?"
"I'm telling Julia." He said.
"Julia would say this world is all about connections to people and if the connection is there then I should take advantage of it."
"What did you say?" Tavin asked, distracted from the tv, still stewing from Julia throwing him out of his own room.
"About running away or-"
"You ain't running anywhere. Not over some pussy. No. About Julia."
"The connections? The world is all about your connection to people..."
"Oh, ok. I heard her say that before." He said. "You will not be running away. Been there done that. There are ways to hook up when you got a girl. Start by keeping your mouth shut."
"Ok." Alex said.
"Tavin-"
"The voice of reason here. You always gotta have a fucking conscience."
"Fine. You deal with him. You fucking deviant."
"Not every kid's gonna be like you, Jay. Not every fuckin' kid's gonna fall in fucking love and stay there. Ok."
"Whatever."
"Seriously. How's he gonna know what he likes and wants unless he shops around?" Tavin asked. He looked at Alex. "Get her out of here. Don't dump her. Do what you want with Care and send her home where she belongs. Easy."
"But what about Care."
"What about Care? See her when she's here. Stay her friend. But do what the hell you want."
"Oh." Alex said, looking at Jay.
"You do what they want and you wind up like Jay."
"What's wrong with winding up like me? There's nothing wrong with me."
"I know. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a one girl type of person. Not everyone wants that. They run you, always have."
"It's easier that way." Jay said, looking at his book. "I'm quitting school after this semester."
"What? Why?"
"This isn't what I want. I applied to community college. They have a 2 year social work degree. It's cheaper and closer. I'm throwing in some criminal justice classes. I'm thinking about the police academy, too. I know I don't want to spend all my time on a campus."
"A cop?"
"Why not? I might want to. But I wanna work with kids too. I'll figure it out."
"Ok. Whatever you want to do. How about being a nurse?"
Jay looked at him funny. "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea. I could, but...I have other ideas."
"You'd be a good nurse."
"I've been told." Jay nodded, closing his book.
"By who?" Alex asked.
"Jules. I took care of her when she was sick. So did he." Jay answered.
"Sick with what?" Alex asked.
"The infection. She had it. Fought it off. You know that."
"How sick was she?"
"She died." Jay answered. " We brought her back. She was out for a while. We didn't know if she'd live. We thought she was immune til she got it again. But she had it here. Not there."
Alex stared at him like he was crazy. "She died?"
"Yes." Jay answered.
"Like dead."
"For a few minutes. Yes. Scariest thing ever, thinking I would lose her. Tavin kept her alive. We went and got antibiotics, medical stuff. We lost others keeping her alive. They were miserable times. That first house was all sex and death."
"The second house..." Tavin said.
"Connections...to people. Other than physical. It was all life and very close. The universe shit that Chess talks about."
"This house?"
"Sandy's...no connections. Here, weak connections."
"Why weak? You think we're weak."
"Yes." Jay answered. "It's just different here. You'll see. If Kell is right. You'll see. Like Chess says, it's all out of balance. The universe."
"In what way are we not balanced?"
"I can't explain it to you."
"Or you don't want to?"
"I can't." Jay answered. "It's a feeling. The balance."
"Chess came up with this universe thing?"
"Gotta get wasted and listen to him explain it. It makes better sense that way."
Tavin rolled off the sofa with his blanket and his pillow and head for the steps.
"Where you going?" Jay laughed.
"To my fucking bed. I don't get thrown out of my bed. The fuck outta here." He said.
"I'm not in the mood for a fight, Tav."
"I'm not giving her one." He called.
Tavin tried the door and found it unlocked. Found her laying in bed, watching Netflix. She said nothing as he closed them inside and got in the bed with her. He looked over her shoulder as he cuddled up behind her. "What are we watching?"
"Californication." She answered.
"My hero, Hank Moody." Tavin smiled.
"Mine too." Julia laughed.
"You ok?"
"Yeah. I knew you'd be up." She said, taking his hand and holding it as he laid it on her hip.
"You took that too serious, Red. I'm sorry if-"
"It's ok. I had to calm myself down." She explained. "I um did feel like I was being bought and sold there for a minute."
"So will you sleep with Jess?"
"Sure I will."
"Cause the universe wants you too."
"Cause her pussy is sweet, babe. " Julia answered. "And she tastes good."
"I fuckin' love you." He laughed.
"Ditto." Julia smiled. "You wanna fuck her too?"
"Absolutely not. No. Not if she was laying there legs open and saying please. No."
"Connections?"
"Whatever you wanna call it. We connected alright." Julia said, closing the lap top. "We can connect right now. Cause you being all mad is really turning me on."
"Well, in that case, I am so fuckin' pissed off."
Julia got hold of Steffie and canceled the Wednesday night meet up. She got hold of Jess and canceled the Wednesday night meet up, which pleased Jess because she confessed she was nervous and scared about that idea. "What if we got arrested and sent to jail cause of the hooker, Jayson?!" She texted. Julia rooted around in the text message keyboard till she found the emoji's and sent Jess a handful of them on her screen. She sent some back, which had Julia rolling her eyes.
Saturday night Jess came over and she had wine coolers ready for her. They hung out in the kitchen, playing cards and listening to music. Julia made a couple passes at her, which she was receptive to. She started touching as the second wine cooler was opened.
"You're not drinking, Jules?" Jess asked, watching Julia pour iced tea in her glass.
"Nah, not in the mood. I only drink on holidays now." Julia answered. Wine coolers really weren't her thing and there was no vodka. No beer. "I choose to ruin holidays as opposed to everyday. It was a deal me and Tavin came up with."
"Oh, I see." Jess said. "You didn't ruin the last holiday."
Jess finished the second wine cooler and Julia took her away from the table. "Come with me." Julia said, taking her hand. Jess looked at Jayson who didn't oppose the idea and let Julia hand hold her through the house to the steps.
"Where we going?" She whispered shyly as Julia took her to the bedroom.
"Jess, you know where we're going." She answered, closing the door. "Did you really think I was going to let some stranger take care of you?"
"Oh, we're going to-"Jess asked, looking at the bed. "In here?"
"Yeah, it's my bed. Would you prefer Jay's bed?" Julia asked, taking both her hands and squeezing them a little. Her palms were moist. She swept Jess's hair over her shoulder and kissed her neck.
"No, here's fine." Jess answered. She still sounded nervous.
"Relax, baby girl." Julia told her, pulling her shirt up. "Take it off." Julia ordered. "All of it."
"Jayson's letting me do this?"
"Jayson's not your dad. You do what you want with your body." Julia told her, helping the shirt over Jess's head. Julia asked, touching her breasts over her bra. Her lips traced the skin over Jess's chest as her hands, roamed Jess's nervous body. She had goose bumps. Her hand reached to Jess's pants and she swatted her hand away. "Jess."
"Um, yeah..." She said, letting Julia's hands touch her in places reserved for Jayson.
"Let me in, Jess." Julia whined, trying for the jeans again.
"I can't." She moaned.
"Jess, are you on your rag?"
"Yeah. I wish you had asked."
"What day?"
"Like 2." Jess answered. "I'm sorry, Jules."
"You still wear pads?"
"Yeah."
"Ugh, ok. Never mind then, Jess."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know we were gonna do this or I woulda warned you."
"Some other time. I understand. We'll let Jay deal with that."
"He won't."
"Ok, then let's go back."
"Go. I'll be down in a minute." Jess said, finding her shirt.
Julia went back down to the card game and Tavin's lap. "You let me go up there and she's on her period."
"So. I thought you like that."
"Fuck you, Jay."
Jay shook his head, hearing Jess on the steps. "Coulda said something, Jayson." Jess complained, smacking his arm as she sat down.
"I thought it would be a surprise."
"I was surprised alright." Jess said. "Deal us in."
As the hour passed, conversation centered on cards and Jess continued to drink. "Hey. I miss Chess." Jess announced, looking at her hand. "I liked playing with Chess."
"So did I." Julia added, looking at her cards. She felt Tavin tensing up beneath her ass. "Oh, settle down." Julia chided him. "We're allowed to miss our dealer and our dealer."
"Do you miss him as your husband, Jules?" Jess asked.
"I miss him as my friend, Jesslyn. That's all."
"Has he called?"
"A few days ago, yes. He's fine. Training. Constantly training."
"But it's not the same without our Chess." Jess continued, making both Jay and Tavin uncomfortable.
"Our Chess?" Julia asked.
"You know what I mean. I didn't mean it like a dirty way."
"Yeah, um, I know, Jess." Julia nodded, feeling as though their card game was about to end. Drunk Jess...her mouth was going to stir up some dust. Julia felt their exit was nearing. "Last game, Tav?" She tried to get them out.
"No. Why?" He asked, holding his cards close like she was going to peek at them.
"So what do you wanna talk about? Other than Chess." Julia asked, looking directly at Jess.
"Jay is quitting school." Tavin announced.
"No." Jay stated.
"You can't quit school." Julia told him.
"I'm not, mom." He replied. Jay explained his idea about the community college and the social work program.
"You're quitting real college to go community college?"
"The program's better." He answered. "Alex is running away from home with Care." Jay announced, diverting her attention away from him.
"No, he's not." Tavin told her. "I talked to him. He's not going anywhere with Delaware."
"I will hunt them down and find them." Julia muttered.
"She's visiting over Christmas."
"Cool. That's fine. Then she can go home. Alone."
"He's all worried about Julia, too."
"Remember, she is #4." Julia reminded them.
"That's what I said." Tavin added.
"She's a nice kid though. I like her. She'll never know about Care."
"You're just as bad as he is."
"Why? Let her visit. Let her go home."
"You really don't see why it doesn't bother you two? I mean I can totally see why you wouldn't be bothered by this."
"Why?" Julia asked.
"Because it's the two of you." Jay answered. "Only it's Care coming here instead of him going there."
"Oh, I see. You're comparing the kids to me and you and Tavin. Where do you think the kid's going to eventually wind up, Jay? With Julia, too or with Care?"
"Julia, too is just practice till Care can happen. So why bother hurting Julia, too?"
"I see. You think he needs to break up with his main girl so he can be with Care? That still makes no sense. I understand where you're coming from. But either way, Julia too is getting screwed here. Which would you have preferred, Jay?"
"She needs to know before it happens. While it's in the making. Not after it happens."
"Does Alex even care?" Julia asked.
"I think it's not about what he cares about. It's what she cares about."
"I see."
"Would you play it different, if you had it to do all over again?" Jay asked Julia. "Seriously, Jules?"
"I wouldn't have ever done it to begin with."
"Julia." Tavin mumbled.
"No, if I had it to do all over again. No. None of it. How many times are you going to want an apology?"
"I haven't asked you for one."
"You wouldn't do it all over again?" Tavin asked completely caught off guard by her statement.
"Thanks, Jayson." Julia said, dropping her cards. "I can't change what I have done already, but if we started all over from scratch... You mean to tell me you don't have any regrets about what we did to him, Tavin?"
"No. Cause I wound up right where I wanted to wind up. You haven't?"
"Jay, what the hell..." Jess chimed in. "Tavin, take me home."
"Good idea, Jess." He said, moving Julia off him.
"She isn't sober enough to go home to Louann." Jay told Tavin.
"Maybe we won't go home." Jess suggested. "You can sit right there with her, Jayson."
Julia and Jayson sat at the kitchen table and watched as their partners walked out on them. Neither exactly processed what had happened so abruptly and neither chased after their better halves. Julia stared at Jay, expecting some speech or some reason. He was just as expectant of her.
"What the fuck just happened?"
"I have no fucking idea, Julia."
Julia watched as he looked toward the door. "He'll take her home, Jay."
"You sure."
"100%, Jay. Don't worry."
"Thank God for mother nature."
"Yeah. He still wouldn't. He won't eat your ice cream. He meant that. He learned his lesson, Jay."
"You wouldn't do it the same. Really?"
"No. God, no. I regret that, Jayson. It might not seem like it. He makes me do stuff that makes no god damn sense."
"Like."
"Stuff that makes a girl quit doing drugs and drinking." She paused. "Amazing, dirty, pleasurable risky things. So if you ever wonder where it all went wrong, he just walked out the door."
"It has nothing to do with Caleb Downing."
"I don't know anything anymore, Jay."
"What happened that weekend?"
"No, Jay. It's not a place I wanna go back to." She sighed. "You dealing, babe or are we done?"
"I miss Chess." He said, putting on Jess's voice.
"I wanted to smack her, Jay. For real. She's lucky you don't like me fighting at the table."
He laughed at her. "It's true." Julia picked up and finished off Jess's wine cooler.
"Gonna get drunk?"
"Hardly. What's this? 6% alcohol? I would need 12 of them." Jay got up and fetched her another one. He took the cap off for her. "Thanks."
"I'm so done with girls. I give up. I don't even know what I did that pissed her off."
"You didn't. I did. Talking about that stuff. It makes her feel like it makes Tavin feel...insignificant, like a stand in."
"She can fuck with you, but I can't."
"Pretty much, yeah." Julia said, taking a drink while Jay dealt her hand to her. "I do miss Chess though. Our Chess. She was right on that. He is fun. She's not still hung up on him is she?"
"No, she's not. hasn't been in a long, long time. Since before we jumped."
They continued to play cards and Julia continued to drink, noticing with the passing two or three wine coolers that she was feeling tipsy. The drunker she got, the more relaxed she got and she started talking to Jayson about Philly. "I don't wanna know about Philly, Julia." He said, hearing about her services with Hayley.
"Fine, then. The weekend."
"If you want... I wanna know why you quit."
Tavin drove and somehow made it home without wrecking them into any oncoming traffic or inanimate objects or people. It had to be a miracle, because he was fucked up and she was too fucked up to care. She was scared and she was nervous and she was feeling guilty. Everything inside her screamed no, but she still went in anyway. She went willingly and after the cluster fuck they'd just left behind, what else was there to do? The higher they got, the better she felt. The guilt dissipated and dissolved, diluted in cocaine and vodka. Tavin was a different animal on drugs, reckless, no inhibitions, no shame, no basis in reality. Hours were spent in his bedroom, in his bed. He shed every emotion, every word he'd been holding back and every action he'd been controlling himself to avoid, he left out. The drugs unleashed him on her. His mouth and body and she absorbed it like she had their first time. Whether he made love to her or fucked her hard, it didn't matter, he wouldn't stop talking. Every filthy and naughty word he could manage was spoken to her that night. He missed her, he loved her, he loved her dripping on top on him and coming on him. The sex was everything she had remembered and then some. This was not the Tavin she'd slept with while she had been with Jay and this was not some hallucination or delusion from a farm house in zombie world, this was a whole different intoxicated creature. When they started to come down, the drugs picked them right back up and the more drugs they inhaled, and the more vodka they swallowed, the longer they stayed awake, the more deviant their acts became. She'd been overpowered by him, his presence, feeling so on top of the world while being made love to by him, she cried for hours at one point. Tears from reconnecting, tears from sadness, tears from separation, tears of the guilt and shame. She swore she was shedding all of it through her eyes, through her sweat, through her orgasm.
Late into the second day, the more tired she became, he left her to go get more. She slept a bit, woke up from a nightmare and then was doubtful she'd slept at all. She hadn't eaten, so she decided to get some water and something to eat. He found her in the kitchen and that's where things went further down the rabbit hole. She'd cut up an apple, they took the knife and more apples upstairs as he remarked through a moment of clarity she was probably dehydrating. In a blood red room with a knife and apples and water bottles. She was thirsty. She was hungry and he made her stop eating as he had cut the coke on the dresser top. She inhaled and then inhaled again the powder and it stung her nose, her throat, bringing her back to life and deadening her at the same time. She went back to the apples and the water bottle, drinking it down, the entire bottle, which he pulled from her and handed her vodka.
She knew better. She shouldn't have crossed that line with the coke and the vodka. He was difficult to keep up with. Demanding and controlling and it went further south when she held up the sharp knife to him. In the space in her mind, this made total sense. All she wanted to do was eat something, anything in peace. A moment to take a break, which he'd denied her. She was not angry, rather she was hungry. Empty. Why couldn't he understand that? How the knife being held on him transitioned to the knife being held on her still mystified her. Maybe he'd taken it from her or maybe he'd left her be with it and the apples and she kept it on her as she went to bed with him again. Memory was cloudy on the details of the knife as much as how he managed to seduce her into being tied to the bed.
But she had allowed it. Her wrists bound with cloth from a t-shirt? Some form of clothing? Her bathing suit? She wasn't certain. It all happened in a bubble as she lay bound with a knife on her abdomen as he poured the vodka into her mouth.
"What did he do to you?" Tavin asked as he was positioned between her bent legs.
"Who?"
"You know who." Tavin stated, pouring more vodka into her mouth.
She told him everything Caleb Downing did to her, starting from being tied to the bed and as she made each detail known aloud in the room between her and Tavin, he performed on her everything that Caleb Downing had performed on her. Biting her. Threatening her. Slapping her. Choking her. Her choked her as she came from his fingers probing her like he'd never felt her before. When he entered her, she felt pleasure from this. Not fear, not humiliation, not hurt or pain or anything remotely negative. He'd played with her to the point she enjoyed it, wanted it.
"Rape me, Tavin." She whispered as he pushed inside of her. She described how he hurt her, forcing himself into her and as she described the horror that Caleb had brought her, she melted with pleasure from what Tavin gave her, holding a knife at her throat. Though Caleb had never held a knife to her throat. Tavin thought of that all on his own. He traced the flesh on her body with that knife, dragging it over and around her nipples, her abdomen to between her legs before he finally put the knife down and left her be, tied to the bed like his victim.
Jayson sat mortified, listening to the tale of what he considered brutality. She nearly wound up consoling him. "Jay, are you alright? That's only half of it."
"There's more?" He asked in awe.
"There's more." She said, wondering if she'd already gone too far by telling him half of what went on.
"You don't have to listen to it. I mean, that was a lot to take in, Jay."
He couldn't find words. There were no words for what he was feeling at that moment.
"It was the drugs, Jay. You don't understand that. This is beyond some weed." Julia explained. "This is a place that I was in my head after all the narcotics, Jay. This was me. That was him. What started out as totally normal people having fun with their bodies turned into something so possessed, so sinful."
"Julia, I don't know what to say about that. It's so wrong."
"Jay, it was the best and the worst sexual experience of my life. Sex was a drug too. We used it like we used the drugs, like we drank the vodka."
"You're right. I don't understand this. I would never have-"
"I know you wouldn't. You don't understand, Jayson. It's getting out the poison, Jayson."
"How would you do it?" He asked as he untied her.
"I can't." She stuttered, feeling thankful for the release of her wrists. She couldn't have unbound herself from how tight he'd lashed her down. She'd tried, pulling at the cloth without success and succumbed to the pleasure, reminding herself it had been Tavin who restrained her.
"Then we'll do it again until you think of something." He warned her, placing her arm above her head toward the headboard.
"No, Tav. Please." She said, pulling her wrist from him.
Tavin tied her wrist up, but left one hand free. "Think." He demanded, on top of her again. She struggled out from under him. He allowed her to move, but gave her a hard time of it. She untied her wrist, freeing herself and slapped him hard across his face. He didn't say anything, barely budged, but the sting he sensed on his cheek.
"That's all you got?" He smirked, looking for more, looking for the girl he'd just tortured with her past. He took her spot on the mattress, surprised that she'd slapped him at all. He fought the urges he had to...to tie her back up...to slap her back...he closed his eyes, searching around the darkness of his eyelids. He felt her on him and left her be, waiting for whatever she chose to do or say, choosing to act or retreat. As he began to think he'd taken her too far, too deep into his head, she took him into hers. He felt the pain first on his chest. And as he reacted, moving beneath her light weight, the blade tucked at his neck, firm against his pulse. Too close for comfort. Would she really do it? He felt the pain against his neck, the knife pressing into his flesh. The pain from his chest redirected him from the blade at his neck. He didn't move, though he could have easily removed this little threat, but the knife was way too close. She'd done this before. He watched the eyes, her angry glare, she was fucking serious as anyone who'd ever pulled a weapon on him. He'd seen that look before.
"Did you cut me? You cut me..." He asked, eyes glancing to the small slash across his left pec. He was oozing blood. It hurt. As the blood collected and dribbled over his chest wall, following gravity, she bent above him and she licked it off him. "What the fuck..." He said, body quickly drawn away from sex and want and need to another place altogether. This was not pleasure, she cut him open, not deep. As she tasted his blood and gently sucked his wound, he found that to be the strangest and weirdest thing he'd ever seen and felt the blade against his neck, his pulse tapping the metal. If she slipped, even accidentally, he'd bleed out. She wouldn't....he thought briefly. When she looked up, her lips were bloody, her chin smudged red. A fleeting thought, take the knife off her...
"You can give it but you can't take it." She noted, pulling the knife off his neck. He relaxed a little, safer. "Stay." She smiled, hopping off the bed and fetching her vodka. He stayed. Safer. The vodka she dripped onto his wound burned something fierce. "Stay." She reminded him, getting back in bed. She kissed around his chest, tasting the vodka from his skin and adding more to the opposite side of his chest, which she didn't lick off him. He felt the knife slash across him again. More blood, more oozing, more drinking, more vodka.
"Red-" He started to complain when the blade met his neck again.
"I don't wanna tie you up, Tav. Just shut up, baby."
"This is not a turn on, Red." He informed her, moving his hand to her ass. All he wanted to do was grab her ass and she cut his arm. "Fuck, Julia." He complained.
"Stay fucking still then." She said, taking a drink, forcing the knife quickly back at his throat. "Sit up and keep your hands off me."
He lifted and sat up against the head of the bed, thinking he was free. He watched the blood run down his arm. Watched her clean him. "You gonna drink all my blood, weirdo." He asked.
"Maybe." She replied, pulling an arm up to the tie that was still on the bed board. She attached his wrist to it and fastened him in. Not too tight, in fact he could easily get free. She wanted him to have that option, because she wasn't sure what she was planning on doing yet. She fastened the other wrist as well. She drank and thought and looked at his bloody body. The vodka washed the taste of his blood from her mouth. He'd long lost the erection. "Not turned on." She noticed, taking him in her hand. "But you're not scared either." He chose not to reply. He knew he didn't want to be cut again. She held up the bottle to him, he nodded, accepting the drink she offered.
"You know..." She said, taking a drink. She set the bottle on the table beside the bed. "I like knives. I have for a while. You can kill a motherfucker with one just like that." She smiled, snapping her fingers. "Or you can slowly drain the blood from someone, if you cut him here." She pointed to his arm. "Or quickly by cutting here." She pointed at his neck. "I think the throat is the worst, the way it just gushes out, spraying everywhere. While the heart's still pumping, you watch yourself bleed all over the damn place." She crawled up on him, kneeling between his legs, placing kisses on his neck, over his pulse. She sucked a little. "Crazy huh?" She asked as she kissed him. "The funny thing about this world is there are disturbed people roaming around and you don't know they're even there, watching everything you do." She said as she lowered herself, bending her body and kissing over his chest to his belly. "Then there are the disturbed people that you know about, the ones that you invite into your life..." She licked around the head of his penis, laying soft against his thigh. "The ones that you invite into your home..." She took him in her mouth, tasting herself and him, the mixture of the two body fluids that had collected over time on him. "Into your bed..." She added after pulling her mouth back off him. "You think you know a bitch..." She said. She sucked on him till he got hard in her mouth, moving her hand over his shaft, her mouth forming a tight suction over him, head moving and taking him all the way into her mouth and throat. She separated from him, holding him firmly in her hand, jerking him off, letting him feel good. "But you don't know a bitch really. You think you do." She said as she positioned the knife against his balls.
"Julia, stop. Now." He said firmly, preferring to be cut again or even have the knife against his carotid.
"Scared?" She asked, jerking him off and pleasing him as he felt the cold metal against very tender flesh. "If you even move..." She said softly, placing her mouth over his erection again. Did he trust her? She wondered as she blew him. She eventually released him, gently pulling the knife away. She crawled up on him, set the knife on the table by the vodka. She untied his hands and kissed his cheek. "Awe, babe. What's wrong?" She asked.
"What's wrong?" He repeated, shaking his hands, moving the blood around his arms as he stretched.
He felt way too sober for her at the moment. They finished the rest of the coke and the vodka before he took over her again, spending hours into the night on each other's bodies.
"Don't cum." He ordered.
"What? How?" She asked, holding back. It was killing her, holding back. "I want to."
"Hold back." He pulled her hands above her head and holding her down. She was pinned beneath his weight as he had her legs up, straight and pressed against his chest. Her feet resting by his ears as he pushed into her. She was close again. "Don't cum." He ordered again, watching her as she struggled to hold back. It was like torture to her, feeling so good and not being able to release. "You cum when I tell you to."
"Tavin..." She groaned. He left her arm free, bringing her hand between her legs. He brought her legs down, spreading them wide so he could watch as he fucked her and as she played with herself. "Hold it till you can't take it anymore. Don't be a selfish bitch either. You'll know when."
She held off as long as she could and waited till she got some kind of signal that he'd be ok with her coming. He had to control her at that point and that was the best way to do it. Keep her from even the easiest and simple pleasure. When she felt the knife lay across her belly again, that was when she could. He let her know. And she released every bit she'd held up, and fluid squirted everywhere. She'd never been so embarrassed in her life. The drugs and the vodka couldn't help erase that feeling. That had never happened before, but it seemed like he had been expecting it. It felt exhilarating though. Her entire body was on fire, heat radiating through her from her belly to through her limbs to her mouth where she gasped from the shock of it all. "Oh, my god." She cried, pulling back from him. "Oh, my God, Oh my...did I pee?" She asked, covering her face. "Oh, I peed on you, oh shit, Tav. I'm-"
"It wasn't pee, baby girl." He laughed at her awkwardness, her embarrassment, her momentary innocence. At that moment she was mortified that she'd cum everywhere, making a wet splashing mess all over him and the bed and quite possibly the floor.
"Oh, that was too watery. That was pee. Oh, fuck." She mumbled, scooting away from him.
"It was not." He laughed.
"This isn't funny. I don't wanna do this anymore." She said, sitting across the bed from him.
"Ok. Relax. You didn't piss on me."
It was probably the only break they took aside from his drug run. He lay back on the bed and looked up at her, sitting there on the bare mattress. Her small sunburned body, hair down, she looked like a little leprechaun who fell off the rainbow into hell. Caught in that moment where reality has set in and it scared her. She felt like she was with a stranger for a brief instant.
"Julia."
"Tavin, what are we doing?" She asked him, sliding her trembling hand to him.
She appeared if only temporarily, peeking out from behind the curtain of sex and violence and intoxication. The girl he met in the past that loved his brother and lusted him.
"Good question, Red. What are we doing?" He said, taking her hand. "What the fuck are we doing?"
"Cause I don't understand this, Tav. Can we stop?" She asked, looking to him to end the madness.
"Yeah, baby girl, come here." He said, pulling her down to him and holding her against him. "Yeah. It's time to stop."
"Can we get a shower? We're all bloody and I am so tired, Tavin."
"Yeah, baby. Let's do that."
They went and showered, washed off the weekend. They made the bed that they'd pulled apart, reapplying fresh sheets. He was quiet, pensive as he sobered up. She was exhausted.
"Julia?"
"Yeah, what?" She asked, wishing to curl up in bed. Her eyes felt heavy and dry. Her muscles felt taut and heavy. He tossed her a small black bag from the drawer next to the bed.
"I wanna sleep. I can't. I'm so wired."
"What is this?" She asked, taking the bag. She had a feeling she knew what was inside.
"I can go another couple days, Red. Please. Cause I want to."
"I can't go another 2 minutes, Tavin. I'm exhausted."
Tavin laid down and watched her open the bag, pull out the vial and the needle."You want some?" Decisions...she knew better. "It's morphine, not heroin."
"I like morphine." She yawned. "I remember morphine. It feels so good."
"I want heroin, Julia."
"I know. I don't."
She removed the new insulin syringe from its package and pulled back on the syringe. She injected the air into the vial. Then drew back the syringe filling it with the wonderful sedating and intoxicating pain killer. She tied off his left arm. "Thanks, dehydrated veins." She said, searching his skin.
"Please don't miss it."
"You better shut up." She warned him. "I had a good teacher."
"Red, I'm so sorry."
"Don't start crying on me, please, Tav. Not now. Ok."
She chose the vein. He always told her go with the first instinct. Trust your gut, which she did. She felt the syringe pop the skin and she felt the syringe pop the vein. She pulled back on the plunger a bit, saw blood inside with the morphine. "I'm in. Tav, you sure?"
"Push it."
She pushed it. Not too fast as she didn't want him dying on her. The effect was immediate.
"You want some?"
Decisions...
"If you don't, waste it. The rest of it."
"Got another needle?"
"Red, you just drank my fucking blood." He reminded her as she untied his arm. He looked so relaxed, so calm.
"Oh, true." She replied, holding the rubber strap in her hands. "Um, yeah." She said, handing him the strap, holding out her arm. He tied it around her forearm, watched as her veins plumped up. Julia drew up the morphine again, half the syringe. He didn't have to search around for a vein, he just stuck her and pushed it.
Then she passed out.
"Please tell me there isn't more."
"There's not." Julia answered. "And I don't do drugs anymore."
"Shouldn't have done them in the first place."
"I know right." She agreed.
Julia couldn't help but feel she loved the time she spent sitting and talking with Jayson. She could confess to him the mess and other great stuff of life. He sat still mortified and trying to picture her spending the weekend with his brother doing drugs and doing things he couldn't have imagined. He'd never witnessed her do anything remotely similar to that. The big question he had was 'why?' and the only answer she could give was 'why not?'. It had been a time in her life where waking up the next morning would continue the downward spiral or reverse it into an upward spiral. Let the past stay in the past and open a new book with blank pages to fill up with different experiences.
As the night wore on and the wine coolers ran out and the card game grew dull, they wondered where their partners were. Julia was confident they weren't up to no good. Jess wasn't that kind of girl. Tavin, on the other hand, could be any number of places with any number of people. Pissing off or hurting a recovering drug addict never was a good idea, the chances of them going off and doing drugs was always a possibility. Julia knew that going in. Tavin wasn't as clean as he said he was, especially since moving back to Maverick. He felt he'd painted himself into a corner and the longer he stayed there he felt like he was waiting for the paint to dry around him before he could move and feel comfortable. He never had found his purpose since leaving Pittsburgh, leaving the connections he'd made to people and the life he led where he felt he had helped people. He had regrets, didn't wish to admit them, but he had them. He'd told all of them at the start settling down wasn't what he ever intended to do. Didn't mean he loved them any less. Didn't mean he was selfish either. He was a loner. Simple as that. He liked company and then there were times he chose to be to himself.
Kelly had been the reason he came home. Not Julia or Jayson or the kids. It had been Kelly.
Julia wasn't psychic and she didn't usually go around accusing him of anything, usually didn't doubt him. Julia picked up Jay's phone and texted Tavin-R U w/ Kelly?
It had been only a thought, a momentary lapse of trust, a feeling as opposed to truth. She went with her gut. A drunk gut, but her gut nonetheless.
"What do you think you're gonna do if you get an answer you don't wanna hear, Jules?"
"Wanna know a secret?" Julia asked, sliding back her chair.
"I heard enough secrets tonight." He said, watching her get up and move to the living room.
"That wasn't a secret. It was a story."
"Sure, why not?"
"I can't stand your brother." She sighed.
"I know that."
"You can tell."
"You show it. It's not what you expected."
"I knew when the weekend ended. We aren't meant to be more than what we always were. It's a shame, Jay. I'm not stupid."
"Why stay here then? Why bother?"
"Good question." She agreed, sitting down and turning on the TV. "It's easier."
"Yep."
