"Where are you going?" She asked, stirring from the finest night's sleep she'd had since she'd come home from the apocalypse. "You're not sneaking out of here are you?"
"Why would I sneak out of my own house, Red?" He asked, pulling on some underwear.
"Where you going then?"
"Kitchen. Coffee. Food."
"Oh," She said, laying back on the bed.
"We need to get up. We can't stay in bed."
"Yes, we can, Tavin."
"No, we can't." He replied, pulling on shorts. "I'm going to call work and talk to my boss and beg him not to fire me."
"What are you going to say?"
"I can't tell him the truth obviously, but I'll think of something." He answered.
"Are we dealing with things today?"
"We'll deal with things as they come up."
"I think-I don't think I can." She said nervously. "How do I begin to? I don't like not having a plan. How do I begin to explain this?"
"You don't have to explain anything. I think everyone is already caught up." He answered. "You need to do it sober though."
"I am sober, Tavin."
Tavin tossed her cell across the room to her on the bed. "Google AA, please. Research. You're good at that."
"AA? Tavin, I love my vodka. AA means I can't drink my vodka."
"That's right. Google and read. I'll be back."
"Fine, I'll read about it."
"Stay naked, cause I'm not done with you yet."
"Why are you three still in my house?" Sandy asked, watching Jay get Tatia's cereal ready. Alex was knocked out on the sofa with his iPad.
"Um, a sleep over." Jay answered.
"It's been three days since the party. It's time to go home. Do I need to call Tavin?"
"No, Sandy. I will." Jay answered, setting Tatia's bowl on the table in front of her.
Jay texted Tavin, asked him what kind of shape he was in, whether it would be a good idea to come home or talk to Sandy about his issues. It was a long text, took forever to write. He didn't want to hear his voice. He'd be able to tell by his voice. He hadn't spoken to Tavin or Julia or Chess since party night. Chess was quiet and chose to be left alone. He and Macy had disappeared for a day and a half, but he came back alone. Miserable and alone.
Jay texted Kelly next. Asked if she was alright.
He texted Jess after Kelly: ILY sexy. He smiled as he hit send.
Jess texted back the emoji's, little hearts. Emoji's drove him crazy. He texted back the little pink heart emoji to make her happy.
Kelly texted back: okay with a crying emoji.
Jay was pissed, knowing exactly how she felt. He'd spoken to her on and off over the weekend and kept her spirits up, but she was all over the map emotionally. He'd told her to call him if she needed him, needed to talk. If anyone knew what she was feeling, it was Jayson. He'd been through 'them', had first hand experience with 'them' and all the anger and frustration that accompanied 'them'.
Tavin called him when he got off the phone with his boss. The boss would have to speak with another boss and then he'd get back with him. "Well, you sound normal." Jay muttered.
"Ran outta money and drugs, Jay." Tavin answered honestly. He was broke as broke could get both financially and spiritually. "I don't know what happened, Jayson. It all happened so fast, like it wasn't me in control anymore."
"I wanna know if we're coming home or not. Sandy's up my ass again and I need to know whether to talk to her or what?"
"I have a meeting this morning, Jay and I will get you guys when it's over."
"What about her?"
"She's got her own demons, Jay. She'll gets where she needs to go."
"She's still there?"
"You have no idea what we've been doing." Tavin answered. "Brother, it's been so fucked up."
"It's supposed to be good. Not fucked up, brother."
"It's both. We'll talk, ok. I'll be there later." Tavin ended the call.
Jay wondered whether he really wanted to have that talk with his brother. But it would have to be had eventually.
"You leaving?" Chess asked, coming into the kitchen.
"Yeah, today."
"She's still there."
"Yeah. What are you thinking, Chess?"
"Not good things." He answered, taking cereal out for himself.
Sandy came back into the kitchen with a basket of laundry, setting it in front of Chess. "It's yours, boy. How's my baby?" She asked, hugging Chess.
"Mom, stop. I'm ok." He said, separating from her. He sat at the table and started eating.
"That girl-" Sandy said.
"Mom, I said stop."
"Would now be a good time to say I told you so?" Sandy asked.
"It didn't work out here." Chess said to Jay. "You were right. And you were right about him and Kelly. I should have never got mixed up with that."
"Chess, you guys had something for a minute. It was good. It's not the same here as on the flipside. Chess, you don't have to give up on-"
"Uh, Jay, yes I do. You don't want a whore girlfriend. I don't want a whore girlfriend. The girls I could tolerate. I even took part in the girls. So I am just as guilty, but she broke the fucking rules."
"Um, ok. I got you, whatever you want to do."
"I, uh, I joined the marines." Chess announced after awkward silence. Sandy was still processing the idea of her son and Julia with girls, more than one evidently.
"The United States Marines?" Sandy gasped.
"Yes, mom." Chess answered.
"They don't have height and weight requirements, Chester?" She gasped.
"What, mom?" He asked semi-offended at the size hit she just gave him. "Anyway, I talked with dad about this and I think this is what I wanna do. Not forever. I need to get away from here. It's what I originally wanted to do till Jules told me no."
"I agree with her about that. Are you crazy?" His mom yelled. "You discussed this with your father?"
"Yes, mom. I talk to dad about stuff. Cause this is how you act."
"You do know I am in charge here and not your father, Chess?"
"I am aware you think you are in charge here. Women. Shouldn't be in charge of anything, including their men." Chess announced firmly, picking up his basket of clothes.
"Can I see mama Julia today, Jay?" Tatia asked.
"Sure, babe, I'll call her."
"Her mommy is just as bad as her real mommy."
"Chess, stop, that's enough. You're angry with her I get it."
"Mama's bad, Jay?"
"Yes," Chess said firmly.
"Chess is mad with Julia, Tatia. Sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're angry." Jay told her. "Go get dressed."
"Fuck her."
"Not with the kids, Chess. They aren't yours to turn against her. Stop." Jay told him. "Call her."
"Fuck her." Chess muttered.
"I'm calling your dad, Chester. This isn't over. Where did you sign up, so we can go unsign you?"
Chess carried his laundry off, leaving Sandy devastated.
"You done reading? What do you think?"
"You think I have addiction issues."
"You don't?"
"I admit I like drugs and alcohol, Tavin. I can stop taking drugs and stop drinking. I have done it before. It's not that difficult."
"It hasn't made a mess of your life?"
"I made a mess of my life." Julia countered. "With my poor choices."
"If you weren't high and drunk, would you have spent the weekend with me? Anything that happened at that party? Would you have done any of it if not for drugs and alcohol?"
"I doubt it. And you?"
"I would have done all this sober, Julia. That's the difference."
"What are you saying, then? You want me to go back to Chess?" She asked confused.
"No."
"You're keeping me? The mess that I am."
"I'm keeping you? You're going to clean the mess up." He said. "Everything you do from here on out is cleaning up the mess. You're going back to the beginning. You are going to deal with it."
"Oh, I see. We're dealing with it." She said.
"When you deal with it, then all the rest falls into place. See what I mean?"
"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not a drug addict."
"But you're trying hard though. You spent the weekend acting like one. Right along side me."
"It was kinda great, though." She smiled, still feeling a little rush from just sitting beside him and thinking of all they consumed and all the needs they acted on.
"Great comes with a price, Julia. My job...Jay isn't sure he should come home, whether to bring the kids here. Kelly. That's the price."
"Oh, I see. I'm not risking anything yet. There's no price yet."
"You paid a price, you don't see that? You had your marriage break apart over a 45 minute romp in a bathroom and a 15 minute conversation next to a pool."
"Well, when you put it like that, gosh..." Julia said, rolling her eyes.
"I think if you got on your meds and stayed on them, Julia, life would get better. You were you on the meds. You were your normal."
"So I am crazy."
"Nah, don't label it like that."
Julia thought a moment. "How is he? Did Jay say?"
"He didn't. Call him later, Julia." Tavin said.
"This doesn't feel wrong to me, Tavin." Julia said, leaning back on the bed.
"Can't go back on it now."
"So that's you agreeing with me."
"This is me agreeing with you." He smiled, crawling into the bed and laying next to her. He looked around his room, the mess they'd made it over the last 3 days with the empty bottles and the trash. Clothes and sheets and towels spotted the floor. Her bathing suit, her only clothes she wore there, still hung on the bedroom door knob. "You came here in a bikini. What are you wearing today?"
"I wasn't thinking ahead when we left." Julia answered. "I'm sure Alex has something I could throw on. Some shorts, a tee shirt. You taking me home?"
"Yeah, soon. I got shit to do. A meeting, the kids-I have to get them."
"I thought you said you were keeping me." She frowned, rolling to face him. "You also told me to stay naked cause you weren't done with me."
"You think I'm done? I'm never done, Julia. We just take breaks. I don't think you understand how not done I am with you." He stated, grabbing her by her ass and pulling her on top of him as he rolled onto his back.
"Hey, we did some really freaky shit this weekend. Um,"
"You liked it tho."
"So when we do it could you like choke me again?"
"We can do whatever you like." He smiled.
Julia arrived home without much excitement surrounding her arrival. Her dad was in the kitchen, drinking a beer. Andy sat next to him, playing with his phone.
"Interesting weekend?" Andy asked, looking over her choice of outfits. Boys' gym shorts and a Y tee shirt, which were looser on her than she'd thought they'd be.
"Very." Julia answered, taking a soda when she really preferred a beer.
"Something told me to stay there." Andy said. "So, tell me what happened."
"No, Andy." Julia replied, opening the coke and sitting down.
Both observed the lack of rings on her finger. "Is now a good time to say I told you so, Julia?" Cal asked. "Is now a good time to tell you that you don't know it all and you should maybe listen to your father when he speaks?"
"You're right. I was wrong." Julia nodded, wishing she had some vodka to add to her coke. "It's my fault. I should not have done it."
"All your stuff you had there is in your room."
"Ok."
"I had a talk with the kid. He's not a bad kid, Julia. "
"I know that better than anyone."
"Why would you hurt the boy like that?"
drugs and alcohol..."I shouldn't have gone with Tavin."
"This is about sex." Andy suggested.
"No." Julia answered. "Far from it."
"You only been married a couple months, Julia."
"I was faithful for a long time with Chess. This isn't the first time we got married. We have been married."
"We never stopped, over the years on and off. We talked about trying, but he lived so far away. I didn't know what to do."
"You could have asked." Cal said. "That's when you should have asked, Julia."
"I know that now. I really should have. I could have avoided all of this."
"Now what?"
"I have no idea. You tell me." Julia said, drinking a gulp of soda. "Fix me. Go ahead. I'm asking."
"What problems do you have?" Andy asked.
"Ok, well I'm 18 with a drug and alcohol problem. I have lived and almost died several times thanks to Jayson, multiple infections and that suicide situation. I was raped. Almost forgot that one. I led a group of misfits through the apocalypse and fought the undead. I have killed living and dead people. I sleep with weapons. What else? I am smart as evidenced by my skills at farming and baby birthing. I can drive a car. I get straight A's. Um, what else is there? I function well in high stress situations, but get bored easily with regular life. I don't know what I want and I struggle with fidelity, sobriety. I think that sums it up. So fix me. Tell me what do you think I should do?"
"They're not problems. That's life. The only problem you have is the drugs and alcohol."
"I like drugs and alcohol." Julia replied.
"So you went and hooked up with someone who can't do drugs or alcohol?" Andy asked. "How do you think that's going to work out for you?"
"Oooh, there goes that decision making skill I haven't perfected yet." Julia smiled.
"You need to stop doing drugs."
"Is weed considered a drug?"
"Yes, Julia." Her dad replied, rolling his eyes.
"I can live without the bad drugs, but weed? Really? That's not fair."
"People do it all the time. How do you expect to be a nurse and get high everyday?" Cal asked. "They do drug tests."
"Oh, yeah. That's a good reason."
"You start school in the fall? You got a couple months to get it together." Andy said, sounding positive. "Hey, maybe living with him would clean you up?" Andy suggested.
"Or the other way around?" Cal mumbled.
"He won't put up with my shit. He never did."
"From the sound of it he was pretty wasted, Julia."
"He was. He's going to a meeting now. He has to find his way here, get his responsibilities sorted out. He's under a lot of stress. He cracked." Julia explained. " I function better under stress. I'm just waiting for the zombies is all."
"Delusional." Cal said, shaking his head.
"Chess says I am. You were there. You saw them. Both of you. But I am delusional. That's an insult." Julia grumbled. "You wait and see. I'm telling you. It's gonna happen. It's just a matter of time."
"Chess was in your room, Julia." Andy called as she head to the doorway.
"Ok, did he fuck up my shit?" She asked.
"Well, that's where the delusional part comes in."
Julia was followed by Andy as she went into her room. All her plans and all her index cards and all the sticky notes. All torn up and shredded by hand. To Andy's surprise, she didn't seem bothered by this all that much. She got her broom and dust pan out and started sweeping up the pieces of paper.
"Are you ok, Julia?"
"Yeah, I am. He's mad." Julia replied. "You don't think this is my only copy do you?" She asked Andy as she swept. "He knows that. He did this on purpose, to make a point."
Julia spent the afternoon cleaning and sorting and reapplying her notes and cards in new spots on the wall. She thought of calling him, but decided against it as she unpacked her stuff he'd dropped off. When she went upstairs for supper, still in her gym shorts and Y tee shirt, she sat and asked her dad. "How about cigarettes? I know that's a bad habit, but of all the habits, can I at least do that?"
"Sure, Julia. What the hell." He said. "Take it outside though like I do."
"Ok. I will." She said and started eating dinner.
Julia sat with Andy and Rey in the living room. Curled up on the sofa on the lap top, scanning the info on AA and read Bill W's story. She enjoyed the story, saw bits and pieces of herself in the story. As she neared the end of his story she sat wide eyed and in awe. She read aloud to Andy.
"There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish."
"That's nice Julia." He said.
"Andy, that's it. I lost my faith."
"You're an atheist, Julia. Exactly what faith did you lose?"
"Hope, dummy. It's got nothing to do with God, Andy. I got back here and had nothing to focus on. Nothing to have faith in. I lost hope for the future because of what might happen. Not what is happening." She said. "Fuck. Fuck. It is a delusion, Andy. Till it happens, it's only a delusion."
"Keep reading, sweetie." Rey called from his seat by Andy. "You may be getting somewhere."
Julia read through the first four steps, then closed the lap top.
"Well, Julia?"
"I'm not an alcoholic." She frowned, setting the lap top on the coffee table. She walked away.
Julia sat at her desk in her chair, looking over the display of index cards, sticky notes and papers she'd hung up. She had her feet propped on the desk and scanned them all. Words like weapons, fear, zombie, death stuck out. She'd highlighted a few passages from a few books and had scribed them, inspirational little ditties about strength and courage. "What's wrong with this picture?" Julia whispered to herself. "This didn't fuck up things with Chess." She said, looking at the picture board. "It was me. I fucked Tavin. That's what it was or was there more? From his point of view, it was me fucking Tavin. That's it. No more, no less. Why don't I feel bad? What is wrong with me?"
Chess was angry. Very angry. He showed up out of nowhere bright and early on a Tuesday morning. No phone call, no text message. Sober and angry. He'd avoided her. He'd avoided contact and she didn't try to contact him. He'd taken her rings, dropped her belongings at the house. He'd talked to her father, her brother, Jayson and his own dad. His father told him he needed to talk to her.
"Chess, are you going to hurt me?" She asked, sensing the rage. She hadn't been in the presence of anyone so angry since Jayson held a gun to her head. She needed to know whether to fight or not?
"Have I ever fuckin' hurt you?" He yelled. He pulled her chair from the desk and sat at the end of the bed.
"No. But you're really angry, Chess, and you're scaring me." She said, drawing her knees to her chest and sitting firm against the headboard of her bed.
"You can leave the knife where it is." He said, leaning back, noticing her hand sliding to the left across the mattress. Her hand pulled back. "Relax, Julia."
"What are you doing here?" She asked.
"I wanted to talk to my wife. Is she in there somewhere in that head of yours?"
"I'm right here." She answered.
"No, I want my wife, not this bitch whore that's sitting in front of me."
"I'm sorry, Chess."
"When were you going to say that? If I wasn't sitting in front of you?"
"I didn't know how to-" The nerves perked up in her belly, swarming. The tears started.
"Don't you start crying. Don't do it, Julia. I swear to God." He was seething angry. A hateful stare that sent shivers through her.
"Ok." She replied. She wiped them away and tried to compose herself.
"Why did you do that? What on earth were you thinking?" He asked, relaxing himself, releasing some of the anger. He didn't go to her to fight with her.
"I wasn't."
"Did you mean all that stuff you told him?"
"Yes. It wasn't the right time. It never was. It's still not."
"What happened?"
"You don't wanna know, Chess. it was ugly. It was the worst I have ever been. The lowest..."
"What happened?"
"Drugs and alcohol happened. We did things, Chess, that are inexcusable. And when we ran out of drugs, it stopped."
"It stopped."
"I pulled back. He pulled back. We're not wasted anymore. Things look different when you're not wasted." She answered. "I came home. I've been home."
"But-" He looked confused.
"I know." She said, sensing his confusion. "I'm not admitting I am an addict, but I have issues and they go beyond drugs and alcohol."
"You always have."
"I went back on my meds. I am going to get my head together. I got a long way to go. I need to take something serious and I can't keep waiting for the zombies. It is a delusion, Chess. We might have come back, but I'm still there. It's irrational right now."
"I ripped up all your stuff."
"I have duplicates, Chess. You know that." She paused, relaxing a little. "I, um, I put it all back up then I put it all away again. I need to separate from it. I need to start living here, not there. You were telling me the whole time."
"I was."
"So Chess, I am sorry I screwed things up. It might not seem like it. But I am sorry I hurt you."
"You are on your meds. You sound better."
"I'm getting there. It's too soon. I can't make promises and I think I would only break them if I did."
"Julia, I need to tell you something." He said.
"Ok. Go ahead."
"I didn't want to leave without seeing you."
"Where you going?" She asked.
"I joined the marines."
"And you're scared." She said, feeling the tears again. He was quiet. "Of what?"
"Everything."
"You know you're gonna be ok, Chess. I do."
"You sure."
"I am. We've been in a firefight. We've been surrounded. We've been where we thought there was no way out. You know how to survive. You're strong as an ox and you're mentally strong. You know when to lead and when to fall back. You're gonna be a good little marine."
"Are you mad?"
"Yes, but I understand this." She nodded. "You're gonna team up with a bunch of other people just like you and destroy stuff. Suns out, guns out shit. You're gonna love it."
"You sound more excited than I am. You signing up too?"
"Chess, I am not a marine."
"Julia, I need my wife." He asked, which caught her off guard. He reached in his pocket and tossed her rings onto the mattress by her feet. She stared at them a moment before putting her hand out to him. He slid her zombie ring on first then the band.
"Come here." She said, her voice breaking up. She held him a long time as he cried out the fear and the doubt. She kept telling him he'd be ok trying to reassure him as much as she tried to reassure herself. They separated when his phone beeped. He glanced at the screen.
"I gotta go, Julia." He said standing up from the bed, wiping his face.
"Where you going?"
"I'm leaving. I told you." He said. He held up the phone.
"Now, like you're leaving now? You said soon, not now." She got up and followed him outside.
"Thanks for-" He stopped, motioning to the room.
"Yeah, sure." She said, trying to keep herself together for him.
His dad waited at the curb in the suburban. She said hi to him.
"It's up to you what you wanna do with them, the rings." He said, giving her a hug and an option. "I don't expect anything, Julia."
"I don't expect anything either." Julia answered.
"I'm only going to boot camp. Julia, get your pretty head together. Can you do that?"
Julia saw the cell light up, cringed a bit. She answered, hearing his voice, he sounded distant.
"Julia," Tavin said. She heard him exhaling smoke from his lungs. Heard nothing but quiet. "I don't know what to say to you."
"I understand, Tavin. What you meant, what you were saying. " She said. "We're not wasted anymore. Things look different when you're not wasted."
"I am so sorry, Julia. I shouldn't have pushed you. I overstepped, I-"
"You overstepped? Geeze, I think we jumped into something so stupid, Tav. Are we thinking the same thing?"
"God, I hope so, because I don't want to hurt you."
"You can't hurt me. So how's Kelly?"
"She fuckin' hates me." He sighed. "How's Chess?"
"He fuckin' loves me." She answered, sniffling through the phone. "He left, you know."
"Where'd he go?"
"Boot camp. He joined the Marines." She replied. "How's things with Jayson?"
"One day at a time. He's ok. The kids wanna see you."
"Ok. I'll -uh- I'll call Jayson. We'll work something out."
"I do love you, Julia."
"I love you too."
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