Tavin returned about an hour and a half later. He stripped down and got in bed with her, laying down with her. He'd said Chess's x-ray was good. His nose would never be the same. His swelling and pain though were out of the world. He and Tavin cleared the air between them. He informed her that not every argument required a fight, which she also knew, but she denied feeling sorry for her reactions.
He asked if she'd read the book, what Chess had written, to which she answered, no. She needed to read it when she wasn't angry, when she could focus and draw her conclusions from it. Julia had ditched her plans months ago. When she gave up and didn't care about anyone or anything anymore, she'd trashed it all. All the notebooks, the sticky notes, the index cards. Julia suggested that instead of a democratic form of leadership, the table, that they should have one leader. And she poked him square in his hard chest. Julia leading them would only cause more problems between all of them.
"Palm up." He muttered, motioning softly against her nose. "Cause the bones to break, but it could send shards of bone into the brain and kill someone as opposed to a punch." He said, motioning softly, a punch to her nose.
"I am aware of that." Julia said, taking his hand away from her face. "You taught me that."
"You did that intentionally, then."
"It's how I am. It's how I react. Thanks to the past, the way we lived. When I get angry, I strike."
"What if I strike you?"
"You wouldn't."
"You knew he wouldn't come back at you either. It's not a fair fight. It's dirty."
"So."
"So we're not your punching bags when you get mad."
"Whatever, Tavin." She mumbled.
"I get the feeling we have had this discussion before."
"You have no idea how many discussions we have had about my behavior. And you're the only one I don't get all violent with. Today, all that stuff was coming back. Not as much the memories of it as opposed to the feeling of it. Blondie set something off inside me I haven't felt in a long time. Then all that table talk and what it all means. Fear? Control? Power? I don't know for sure. It's been in me all day. It still is. It will pass."
"You feel high."
"Yeah, kinda. But a different kinda high. Happy almost. Validated. I was right. Then he went and fucked it all up, which I am also used to. Typical shit, Tavin. I'm so tired of the typical shit."
They'd only had a few hours sleep when Jay woke them at the crack of dawn. He flipped on their light switch and made them get up.
"We have a problem." He said, standing in the doorway. "Get up." He was pissed, pacing the hall as Julia and Tavin reluctantly fumbled around for some clothes to throw on. He led them to the downstairs where it looked as if it had been gone through. Not ransacked, but gone through. Papers everywhere and drawers open, the front door wide open. The trash can was flipped in the kitchen. The school bags had been emptied, dumped on the kitchen table as well as Julia's bag.
"What the hell?" Tavin asked, looking around the downstairs.
"This is what I come downstairs to." Jay said. "Should we call the cops?"
"Is anything missing?" Julia asked. "And no." She replied, knowing the police wouldn't be able to resolve this.
"I don't think so. It's all here, but it's a mess." Jay said.
"Did you check on the kids?" Tavin asked.
"Yes, they're asleep."
"I can't wait till Chess leaves. Really. He needs to go wherever he's going so this stops." Tavin announced.
"Think it's over after he leaves?" Julia laughed. "What do they want with us? I'm so confused." She sighed. She went into the living room and started reorganizing the room.
"It's you. They're interested in you." Jay pointed. "Should we call Chess?"
"For what? Let him leave. He doesn't know anything. If he did, he would have told us by now. This has to do with him and whatever he's doing. They're worried he'll tell us because we know things like he knows things." Julia said, moving into the kitchen. She divided up the school bags and their contents into small piles then placed everything back inside. Her bag was last and she tucked all her crap back inside it. Tavin curled up on the couch as Jay helped her out in the kitchen, picking up the trash. "You alright, Tav?"
"I'm pissed off, Julia. Next person follows you just ask them what they want, ok?"
"Yeah. Would you like me to do that at gunpoint or knife point?" She laughed.
"Either." He replied.
Julia fetched the notebook from the bedroom beneath the pillow and brought it back downstairs. She flipped through the pages and it was all scribbles. Little hearts and smiley faces and goofy shit like a drawing of a stick figure smoking a joint. It made no sense at all. She flipped the page, a skinny naked chick on whom he'd drawn huge boobies. "Tavin, what the hell is this? Some kind of joke?" She yelled, closing her journal. "He drew me titties." Tavin reached in his pocket and he handed her the folded up piece of paper that Chess had passed her the night before. The book had been a distraction to whomever was watching. Tavin had picked it up and pocketed it when they were fist fighting. She unfolded it and started reading:
My Julia
I can't tell you what you want to know. Virginia and Buffalo, I don't know what the hell that's about, had nothing to do with boot camp. They have untrained men fighting this, risking their lives in the process. I don't have the answers to the questions that you have. I am the lowest clearance level. The bottom rung of the ladder and I got involved in this up to my ass in boot camp. There was a guy that came in and after a few weeks he got sick with symptoms like we've seen before. Instead of getting this man help like I begged them to do, they said he was tired from training and he was punking out on us, weak. I stood my ground and I informed them of what would happen. It was a matter of time. We had to carry this guy's weight and by the time they believed me, it was too late and he'd turned. Before I could put him down though, he infected others. Training turned into the fight for our lives. We were hunted and we were hunting. There were survivors and those that did survive, made the cut, continued training and moved on. Those that didn't...accidents happen. Julia, we had no live rounds and we had no fucking weapons. We had to get fucking creative. I got them guys through the night and into the next morning. I was trained for this and they were not. They had an education for sure. Julia, you would have got off on this so bad. This is the shit that always got my dick hard and got you horny. I wish you had been there with me.
So thanks, babe, for dragging my ass through that hell cause I saved a lot of men. Such a boss little bitch you are. I told them about Zombie 101, Julia. I made the mistake of giving you credit where you deserved it. I should have kept you out of it. I should have just lied and said I was smarter than I am. So whatever is happening, they may just be monitoring what I do or don't tell you. Who'd fucking believe this shit anyway? But it is being taken seriously. What we have done in the past is coming full circle. The unit I joined is a combat trained, biohazard trained infection unit and it's in its infancy. We're the first unit dedicated to that and only that. I hope we won't be very busy. As these little hotspots fire up, we will respond, contain and dispose. There's no mention of prevention, considering that's not what we're training for. They know about as much as we knew then.
My Julia, no matter what, I always will have your back. You had mine from first night and we kicked some zombie fucking ass. We will do it again.
New world. New rules. Our house. Our rules.
Stay safe, be smart and I love you-Chess.
P.S. please save all the pot seeds you can.
"Did you read this?" She asked, tears in her eyes.
"No." He answered. "He gave it to you."
Julia handed it to him, crying as she watched him read.
"I told him I should have left him there...to rot in hell...Why'd I say that?"
"You were angry. He knows how you feel."
She laughed through her tears, pointing at the paper, "Save all the pot seeds you can."
The notebook had been a distraction, the argument had been a distraction. It was all staged by him to pass a note. "He knows how to get a rise outta me. That's for sure." She laughed.
When Jay came home from his run, she showed him the notebook. "Titties." He laughed. Julia passed off the note and watched him as he read. "Wow." He said feeling kind of sad for her. "Pot seeds." He laughed. "Julia, this is how we all feel. You dragged us through hell and made it worth living through. You made it all worth it. You just don't understand that. How much we depended on you."
"Thanks, Jay." She said. She read the letter again with him before she took it to the kitchen sink and set it on fire.
"Julia, considering everything that happened with us and all the problems we had together, for a while it was the only reason that I loved you."
"Oh."
"Now, it's different. We got past all our issues, so I still love you."
"Ok, Jay. You don't have to-"
"Does it bother you? Why does it bother you if someone loves you?"
"It doesn't, Jayson."
"Did that letter mean anything to you?"
"Yes, Jayson. I don't understand what you want me to say here."
"We still think of you like that."
"Ok, thanks, Jayson." Julia said. He looked at her funny. "What? What are you driving at here?"
"That boss little bitch like he called you. I personally wouldn't call you that, but you seemed to like it. I saw her yesterday, but every other day where is she?"
"She's there. She had to be drawn out."
"By what?"
"Anger I guess."
"Not last night. Yesterday, during the day, with blondie."
"She was fucking with me at the school, so Tatia I guess was what triggered it." Julia replied. "Quit counseling me, quit leading me."
"I'm not. I just wanna know what made it happen so I can see her all the time."
"What's fuckin' wrong with me any other day?"
"Nothing. You're just different is all."
"I'm acting normal, Jay. This is how I always am."
"Now, you are, yes. But the girl I saw yesterday. Where is she now?"
"Jay, you're pissing me off. I'm right here. You want me to act like that all the time?"
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't get to mess people up everyday. It's very exciting. I was so alive because I got to fuck her up, Jay. That's why. It was like being high. An all day high."
"Oh, well this is going in the wrong direction."
"You wanna see her everyday, then give me something to break. Something to fix. A problem to solve. Something to take seriously. This is just fluff. It's boring. It's-"
"What can you take seriously then?"
"Oh, Jayson. I'm fucking bored. This is boring. This is monotonous. Day after day after dreadful freaking day. Not that I don't love you people or these kids, but Jay remember I was always pulled between something out there and being their mom. I tried the mom thing a few times and I don't feel like I am cut out for it. It's so routine and it's-I know how, but this...the house the kids the endless boring shit like dinners and laundry and cleaning. I do it cause I can and it's easy and I love you guys, but personally, it's just awful. Not in a bad way cause I don't want you guys to think that you don't mean anything to me."
"So what do you want to do? What's out there that you can't get here?"
"Nothing yet. I seriously do not know." She paused. "Blondie's job. Whatever or whoever she works for. That's what I want to do. I could do it better. I wouldn't have been taken down by a teenager that's for sure. Let alone have my gun pulled on me. Seriously, her own gun. She should be fired."
"Go do that."
"Fuck you, Jay."
"No, don't say that to me. Why are you getting so defensive?"
"It's not the right thing to do."
"Why?"
"Do you want me to go join Chess?"
"Did you read the fucking letter? We're not going anywhere. We won't get lost if you-"
"No, Jay."
"So what do you have that is tying you down?"
"Are you trying to get me to leave him?"
"No. I'm not. I'm trying to get you to do something that makes you happy. This isn't it."
"Why do you even care?"
"Why don't you?"
"So are you coming too? Hell, we could all go since we're so experienced. Let's all go join the military and slay zombies."
"Jayson, are you trying to convince her to do this?" Tavin asked, coming downstairs in his uniform.
"She's a danger to the living as much as the dead."
"What do you think?" Jay asked Tavin.
"I think they'll be here soon enough and she can hurt all the zombies she'd like. And she can hurt all the humans she'd like. We need her more than they need her. They have him who was created by her and that's enough to get them off the ground running."
"You all need me for what exactly? You were in charge, not me. You were the one that made all the major decisions and made sure that things were done. I just had the fuckin' ideas."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You know exactly how you got things done."
"By sleeping with all of you maybe." She suggested. "Tavin didn't have to fuck you people to motivate you."
"Oh my God, Julia. That got out of hand, but that's not why we followed you. And he was an asshole."
"No he wasn't. Moody maybe, but he had a lot of responsibility for someone who couldn't use. And I was drunk more than half that time we were even there. And you hated me because they listened to me. All the lists and all the chores and all the complaining and-"
"No I didn't."
"You resented the fact that the only place I let you lead was in bed and even then I had to do that too."
"Red, that's fucked up."
"How can you say that to me, Jules?"
"We should have all fought the fuck out of this when we came home. Cleared all this up then. We should have sat down and drank and just had some kind of exit meeting. Gonna do that now with half our table gone? One running around slaying zombies, Cass in New York, God only knows where Tom is. This apocalypse is gonna be different. We need a whole different plan. Like anything can be done with the three of us and 2 kids. Jess and her crying. We're like dead, so dead. There's no way we'll be able to...do you even remember what it was like? The amount of hard work and time it took to...we all just should have stayed there if this is all going to happen all over again. We jumped to the wrong fucking side. I made another fucking mistake. So instead of being happy where we were, we came back here for nothing. God damn it I am so mad."
"You made the best choice you could at the time. You thought you were doing the right thing." Tavin spoke up after all that.
"That's the stuff I sit and think about. Who's going through hell with us this time? Know what? I don't wanna go. I don't wanna give this life up. I like the internet. I like hot showers and clean water. I like electricity. I like being warm in the winter and cold in the summer. I like birth control available when I need it. Do you even have any idea what it's like to give birth to a baby when there's no medicine? I like the stuff in the store and not having to grow it myself. You remember how long it took to plant that field. Cows and chickens and shit. And for fuck sake I like hot coffee."
"Julia, it's not going to be easy." Tavin said.
"That's the point. It's not easy. This is easy."
"So why not stop it before it starts?" Jay asked.
"Chess is saving the fucking world." She snickered. "Never thought of it like that, did you? Our skinny pot head out there saving the world."
"He'll need help."
"Not from this skinny pot head. I have homework to do with Tati and I have to fight with Alex, do wash and dishes and make fucking supper."
"On that note. I have to go to work. Love you. Behave." Tavin said, kissing her then heading out the door.
"You really think that about me."
"Think what?"
"You don't even realize what you said do you?"
"I said a lot, Jay."
"The only place I led you was in bed and when you got there, you had to do that too. That, Julia."
Jay stood across the kitchen from her looking more hurt than anything.
"I'm sorry, Jay. For the millionth time this decade. I'm sorry."
"Sorry because you think that's true? Do you really feel that way? Did you? That's not how it felt to me. I mean, I wasn't good enough for you, Julia?"
"Of course you were. There's nothing wrong with you, Jay."
"Jules."
"You're very, yes."
"Yes what?"
"You know what you meant to me. That's all."
"Do you regret having me?"
"No, never. We shouldn't be talking about this."
"I know."
"Why?" She smiled at him, looking up at him from her chair. She uncrossed her legs and let them part slightly.
"Jules, don't."
"Why?"
"Because you can't."
"Neither can you. You still think about it Jay?"
"Julia, stop it."
"Walk away, Jayson." She teased. The fucking slut was creeping in...stop it, Julia. "You don't want to walk away, Jayson." She said, spreading her legs a bit more.
"You could close your legs."
"What do you wanna do, Jay?" She smiled, so calm and confident. Jay hesitated, stepped to the side as if he was leaving. "Jay, what would Tavin do?"
"He'd fuck me up."
Julia squirreled up her face at him. "Jesus Christ, Jay."
"Julia, was I wrong?"
"He would have fucked it, Jay. God." She mumbled, closing her legs and standing up. "Your brother would have fucked the pussy, touched the pussy, moved on the pussy. You two are nothing alike. No wonder you're still up in Jesslyn."
"Did you want me to? Julia, I can't just do that."
"But you could look at it just fine couldn't you?" She asked and she walked away.
"I shouldn't have, Jules." He said, following her into the living room.
"Did you want to?" She asked, stopping on the steps and turning to face him
"Did you want to, Julia? Think about it."
"Yeah, really, what would be the point?" She asked, walking up the rest of the stairs. She woke Tatia and knocked on Alex's door to rouse him for the day. "Come on, guys, let's get moving." She called. Like night and day, she'd transitioned from the kitchen slut to the mommy. "Jay, you too. Let's go." She said. He followed her to her bedroom. "What are you doing, Jay?"
"You said let's go." He answered. Julia pulled clothes out of her drawer and started getting dressed.
"Jay," She smiled. pulling on her jeans. "Babe, I meant get ready for school. Not let's go with me."
"Oh, yeah, sure. I didn't think you meant-"
She pulled her pajama top off, standing bare chested in front of him while she pulled on a cami, then a long sleeved tee over that. He watched her. "Jay, if you wanna, then close the door...the kids might get suspicious though."
"Jules, you're acting slutty."
"Fuck you, so are you. Your window of opportunity closed, I think."
Julia pulled her hair up in a tail and squirted on some Juicy Couture, which reminded her of Chess. But it smelled pretty. The aroma used to drive him nuts, used to love sniffing her. She shook him out of her head. When the slut came out, it was hard to put her back in her place.
"Jay, snap out of it. Go on, go get ready for school."
"You going to be ok by yourself?"
"I'm a big girl. Yes." She answered. "What? You gonna hang around and protect me from something that may not come?"
Jay shook his head, threw his arms up and walked away. She was right, she had to lead him in the bedroom too. She thought about him, that way again. She hadn't in so long. When they were last together they were so playfully cool with each other. Now, though, she'd probably rip him limb from limb. Where she'd gone out and experienced a lot of people and dabbled in the weird and strange, he'd stagnated inside Jess. It was all very safe and cute for him. He needed safe and cute.
While Tatia dressed for school and Alex left the house, Jay came down and picked up his back pack. She'd started to feel a bit guilty about even going there with him, teasing him and leading him back to a place with a girl he used to love. She'd sworn him off, formed a friendship. He puttered around the kitchen a little, stalling leaving the house. Like he had something to say, but couldn't. She knew what he was thinking and he didn't want to admit it to himself and he couldn't believe he was even thinking about it.
"See you later, Jayson." She mumbled as Tatia bound down the steps carrying her shoes, hair tie and her brush.
"Yeah, Jules. Later." He said, heading out the door.
As the days passed, Julia felt confident she was not being followed. Chess had left and as Tavin said, all his followers had gone with him. Tavin added several locks onto the house, dead bolts. Precautionary, he'd said. Julia was fine with his precautions. He didn't seem scared, but he did seem put off that his personal space was violated, looking for some piece of paper that Chess had written on. The conversation, the fight was all a distraction. Julia came to the conclusion that Chess had been followed, not her. That in no way stopped her from keeping an eye out for Blondie or those just like her. That in no way stopped her from having weapons stashed all over the house.
As the days folded into weeks, she loosened up her guard and started living normally again. She stopped searching in the shadows, stopped being suspicious, stopped the whole routine. The colder it got outside, the more she stayed inside and during her days she watched the fitness channel and worked out while Tatia was at school. The house could only be so clean and the laundry could only be so washed. The guys let the Chess fiasco pass and as they went on with life. She thought about planning while she worked out, but it never panned out. Tavin had no desire to think about a future that wasn't real to him and he saw no evidence of it. Jay thought about and would occasionally bring it up, but with school, his part time job and Jesslyn, he didn't have the time for it. He didn't want to make the time for it. No one did.
The closer the holidays came, she felt more down and depressed. She kept up with and chatted with her friends and what they were doing on line. Chess called her every couple of weeks to tell her he hated her. They'd have a conversation, then he'd say he loved her and missed her. Anyone she talked to always had something more interesting going on than she did. Macy called her a few times from school and wanted to see her. They'd talk and Julia felt like she and her friend had gotten to know each other really well on a personal level. Once they stopped partying and started talking, Julia had been right about Macy all along being that kind and smart and sweet person. She said they had to get together over Thanksgiving holiday and hang out. Macy missed her, was glad she was normal and sober and happy. She didn't know how she felt about seeing Mace face to face again. She had mixed feelings about the girl and regretted not explaining herself better when she and Chess had split up and she'd just left Mace alone, felt she had to in order to get her head together. The subject of Macy brought up an argument, which didn't really surprise her much. Tavin knew about the girls, but hadn't been through it yet with her. So he was just as confused as Jayson had been when she formed her relationship with Jesslyn. Chess was the only boy who never argued with her, never restricted her from that. His problem was not with Macy, which she pointed out to him. His problem was with the females altogether. Macy wasn't the only female out there and to single her out would be unfair to Macy.
Julia brought up the subject after dinner when they sat together watching TV on the sofa.
"I don't want another girlfriend, Julia." He said flatly.
"I never said you could have one. I don't want another boyfriend."
"What are the rules, Julia? Please explain this to me."
"Why do I need rules when it comes to pussy, Tavin?"
"Why the fuck do I then?" He asked.
"Maybe I didn't phrase that right? Why do we need rules when it comes to pussy?"
"So I 'll hook up and bring a chick home? Cause I get plenty of it thrown my way." He suggested sarcastically.
"Oh, I'm sure you do. But, you could if she was cool with that."
"So I can't hook up alone?"
"Do you want to? If you want to then there's a problem, Tavin. That would hurt me."
"But you hooking up wouldn't hurt me?"
"You don't get it." She muttered.
"No, why do girls only count with me?"
"You don't get it and if you don't get it, then you don't get me."
"I get you just fine."
"You can't meet all my needs."
"Excuse me?" He asked shocked at that statement.
Julia looked into the kitchen at Jayson who sat doing his homework, tapping out a paper on the laptop. He was listening, but quiet.
"Jay, do you understand me?" She asked.
"Yes, I do." He answered, choosing not to elaborate on the subject.
"So if Jess said the same thing-"
"She wouldn't." He said, sounding disappointed.
"You said yourself that you didn't want another whore girlfriend, Jay." Tavin said.
Jay looked over the computer at his brother, then at Julia. "That's not what it's about, Tavin. You were high that night, but-"
"You're taking that back?"
"No. Absolutely not." Jay answered.
"Tavin, that's what you think it is, I am?" She asked, separating from his arms that he had around her.
Jay could see the fight coming before it even happened, so he chose to intervene.
"I never had a problem with her and Jess." He said. "I had a problem with the room. That's what I meant that night. My girl wasn't going into the room."
"This fucking room, what the fuck is with the room?"
"Vegas, bro. You're worried over nothing."
"There were too many people in the room that didn't belong there." Julia said, sinking into the opposite end of the couch, thinking back on the graduation party. "That's why I wasn't mad about you saying that to Jess."
"Yes." Jay nodded. "That night would have been ugly. You can't have the room here. But what Julia's talking about, that works anywhere."
"You'd let her fuck Macy then?"
"Yeah. Why not? And she won't hold anything against you when it's all said and done."
"Yeah, what me and Chess were thinking with her was not our norm."
"What were you thinking with her?"
"We were going to go with her when she went to school. I told him not to go into the marines and we were-"
"The three of you?" Jay asked.
"Yeah, why not? She's cool. He was into her like I was. I'm surprised he didn't stay with her actually. I mean, they still talk and all, but-"
"You talked to Chess?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"The other day. Why? I'm not allowed to talk to Chess? I still talk with the guys from group at the beach. I still talk to a lot of people."
"Your virgin from Philly?"
"Georgie is his name. Yes. He's at MIT." She answered.
"You had a virgin in Philly?" Jay asked.
"We don't talk about Philly, Jay. And Chess, we don't talk about Philly with Chess."
"Ok," He shrugged.
"He's work. Why are you still talking with him?"
"Work?" Jay asked curiously.
"He's different. I'm not interested in Georgie in any way, shape or form. He's a friend."
"What happened in Philly?"
"We discussed this, Jay. No." She told him.
"What all do you two talk about?" Tavin asked looking at Jay.
"Stuff." Jay answered.
"Stuff." Julia agreed. "Same stuff we talk about."
"Not Philly?"
"No."
"So when's Macy coming?" He sighed, bringing her back to the original point.
"Thanksgiving weekend I guess. She only said she'd stop by."
"Could she wear that outfit from prom?" Jay asked, tapping away on the laptop.
"I wish." Julia smiled.
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