CHAPTER TWO-DRUNK WHORE GIRLFRIEND

Julia couldn't stand reading over the AA literature. Not that she doubted an alcohol problem, but it was too creator focused. She opted to google NA and go from there. It spoke of a creator in the 12 steps, but the literature itself seemed more optimistic and more focused on a plan. She saved the website and planned on printing out the literature, but she also downloaded the PDF version of working the 12 steps. Each step was laid out in a practical way with questions that gave her food for thought. She wasn't sure if she was even an addict and the NA literature addressed that. She felt more confident with that, like there was more of a plan. It was simply explained in a language that spoke to her. In fact she'd enjoyed drugs in general more than alcohol lately. As she read, she heard a knock at her door and being that she'd locked it, she had to get up and answer it. It had been locked since Chess took off for boot camp. She didn't expect visitors anymore.
Macy, looking sexy as hell in her cut offs and a tee, smooth brown skin. Macy was a surprise. A delicately beautiful surprise. Lord, a test. This is a test. Julia left her come inside and Macy tried getting close to her.
"You don't know how to call me? Julia, where's Chess?"
"You don't know?"
"No." She answered, looking a little too desperate. She was nervous and worried, Julia thought, as Chess had just up and disappeared on her.
"He's fine, Macy. He's in boot camp. He joined up."
"Oh, he didn't tell me."
"I'm sorry, Macy."
"I love you guys."
Fuck, Julia thought. Let her down easy. "Um, I know, Mace, but-"
"I'm confused, Julia. Can you tell me what's going on? I thought that we-us-explain this to me."
Drugs and alcohol and pussy...Julia thought...she felt horrible as Macy stood looking curiously upset.
"Macy, I was in a confused place when we hooked up. I was so high and so drunk and so wasted all the time."
"And now, you're not?"
"No, Macy. I'm not."
"Wanna be?"
God, yes, I wanna be...Julia groaned, knowing Macy had stuff on her. Julia felt the pull, the need. Macy looked fine and her drugs would be better than fine. What do I do? Say?
Julia had her sit down and get comfy. She took her cell and went in the bathroom. She dialed Tavin's number. He didn't answer. She kept dialing and texting. Help me, she said to herself.
"Julia, what's wrong? I'm at work." He said annoyed.
"I need help, Tavin."
"Ok, not now. Can this wait? I'm at work."
"No, don't hang up. Please. Tavin." She begged.
"Julia, hold on." She waited a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. "What's up, Red?"
"Tavin, I need help." She whispered. "Tell me what to do, Tav." She whispered, explaining the enigma that was Macy and every dirty thing she represented.
"Tell her to leave." His advice sounded so easy and so simple.
"Tav, she looks so good and I wanna really bad...Help me."
"Tell her to leave. Now. I cant do this for you."
"It's really hard."
"I know, Jules. I feel you. You haven't done anything yet. Think about it." He said, sounding stressed.
"Ok, I know. Ok. Ok." Julia ended the call and went back in her room. Macy waited for her on her bed. Julia felt the stir again, the pull, the sex was so good. "I'm about to fail this test. Think about it, think about it, think about it..." She scanned the room, looking, searching for a sign, anything to tell her not to dive right in to this divinely sweet and beautiful pussy that was in front of her.  Pussy leads to drugs leads to bad decisions...no...no...no...searching the room...the pictures...no...the laptop. She saw it, the screen lit brightly, illuminating the first step  info she'd been reading.
"Macy, I am a drug addict. You need to leave, now. I'll call you and explain, but you gotta go." She said, losing her breath. Her heart beat a mile a minute. "Hurry. Go." Julia urged her and she ran upstairs, through the basement door, through the downstairs, past her dad and up the next flight of stairs to Andy. She pushed through the door, slamming it shut.
"Julia," He gasped, covering himself up. He had Rey on the computer doing dirty things with him.
"Hide me. Hide me. Please. I cant do it." She said, dropping to the floor and sitting by the window. Her phone rang.
"Julia, did you put her out?" Tavin asked.
"Yeah," She cried. "I wanted it so bad. I wanted it. God, I wanted it." She threw the phone, drawing her knees to her chest, bawling like a baby on the floor in the corner of Andy's room. "Lock the door, Andy. Lock it. Don't let me out right now, please. Take the phone. Please." She cried.
"What is wrong with Julia?" Rey asked through the internet.
"Everything. Every fucking thing is wrong." She cried and cried and Andy tried to hold her and reassure her. Andy locked the door, turned the phone off.
"Babe, I will call Chess." Andy said.
"You can't. He left me. God, he left me."
"Let me get your dad."
"Fuck, just leave me be." She screamed. "Please, just let me be."
When Tavin arrived after his shift ended, she was still on the floor of Andy's room, laying quietly and thinking with her head on a pillow beneath a blanket. Andy sat across from her, listening to whatever she had to say. She wasn't crazy, she was making sense. He listened as she described her fall, her feelings, her anger and her frustration. The knock on the door came as a surprise. Andy opened up the door and left Tavin get her off the floor.
"You feel better?" He asked.
"I feel like shit, Tavin." She answered, eyes red and she was shaking.
"Good, wanna come with me?"
"Where?"
"Your first meeting."
Julia dressed while Tavin sat and talked with Cal. He had to do some smooth talking to get him to trust him, to let him take Julia anywhere. The ride was silent and she was scared, but remembered what the NA pamphlet she read on line said. She was embarrassed and she was emotional. As she sat in the meeting she knew one thing, she wasn't that bad off. Compared to what she listened to, she was catching herself at the right time. She didn't say anything, just listened. She was completely uncomfortable in their presence.
"You reached out to me. You can talk to me." He told her as he walked her back to the car.
"I am ok." She said, reassuring him. "You didn't have to come over and rescue me."
"Seriously?" He asked, holding the car door open for her.
"That didn't come out right." She admitted. "What am I going to do? I feel so screwed up, Tav."
"Work the steps, Red."
"I'm not like them though. I don't feel comfortable in there."
"You're just like us, Julia. Keep going. You can do this on your own and you can do it with help."
"I was doing fine all alone, then she shows up and look what happens. I didn't expect that reaction. I fell apart. Is that what it's like? All the time? Sober? Feeling like this? I don't like feeling like this."
"Welcome to my world. But what's the alternative?"
"Well, I don't like either alternative. This sucks." She said,  starting to shake again. She sat in the front seat and belted herself in. "Is there a lesbian anonymous? The pussy, Tav."
"Nothing you can't tell me about pussy, Julia."
"I refuse to give up sex. I draw the line. It's all that's left."
"I know, Red. I know."
"But I can't even do that."
"Why? Don't tell me you're waiting for him. Julia, no."
"Tavin, I thought we were on the same page here. I am sober, so I recall we discussed this."
"But-Julia, no. I never once discussed that with you."
"Tavin, I am too at risk of re-using to have you right along with me. I need to do this. You know I am right. I mean, aren't I right? "
"You're going to make me wait?"
"Or maybe we'll see how things go? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, Tavin. You said no plan. I have no plan. This is me doing one day at a time."
"After everything we said to each other, everything you said to me for three whole days, what we shared with each other and you are thinking that was a mistake? You're taking those things, those words back now? You cant do that."
"I am so confused." Julia said, leaning forward in the seat, putting her head in her hands.
"You are?" he said. He was pissed.
"Tavin, where you been the last couple weeks?"
"Letting you think."
"About us? Him? Me? That was so I could clear my head and think about how fucked up I am? Realize I'm an addict?"
"Julia, I needed it too. I needed to get my head straight as much as you did. I was pulling double shifts to get out of the hole I dug us into. I was making things right with my boss and Jayson."
"And Kelly? You mean to tell me you didn't make a play for her?"
"No. Chess?"
"No, but I saw him. I got my fucking rings back. I told him I-"
"You told him what?"
"I couldn't make him any promises." She answered. "I was honest with him."
"So you went from lying, to being honest. Try being honest with yourself. What the fuck do you want, Julia?"
"I am so scared right now. What if I fail? Do you know how close I came? What if I do the wrong thing and get you all fucked up too? I don't know how to live like this."
"I told you we would deal with it, all of it and I told you we would do it together. What do you think I meant when I said I was no where near done with you yet?" He pulled to a stop at the light, which would mean a right turn to her house or a left turn to his house. "Which way?"
"Huh?"
"Which way do you want me to turn?" God, did she turn stupid with her new found sobriety? He wondered. "Am I taking you home with me or am I taking you home?"
"Left. I'm scared."
He turned left. "Nothing to be scared of. Everything you're thinking is normal. The fact that you're thinking is good. You'll figure it out."
"I'm trying so hard. Not to think of the zombies, not to look for them. It's a delusion. I'm delusional. But on the other hand I don't want to stop and let my guard down. It's habits, Tav. These habits."
"Julia, we just left and you were ok. Don't let yourself get all worked up." He said, parking in the driveway. He turned the car off. She studied the darkness of the first floor. TV flickering in the dark.
"Tav, they must be so confused." She motioned to the house.
She went inside and felt like she was sneaking in. Jay was knocked out on the couch and they slipped past him into the kitchen. He tossed a water bottle her way and she caught it. She felt strange, all her senses heightened the closer to normal she got. She hadn't realized the amount of time she spent as a functional addict. "Shhhh, don't wake anyone up."
"I'm not." He said defensively as he kicked off his shoes. He unbuttoned his shirt and untucked his tee. He tossed the uniform to the washer and the pants came off next. "What?" He asked.
"You're getting undressed here?"
"Yeah, so. Julia, calm the fuck down." He added the pants on top of the washer. "Come." He said, taking her hand. He grabbed his cigarettes and cell and they went upstairs together. He closed them inside his room. "Do I have to come get you?" He asked, sitting on the bed with the remote.
"What are we going to do?"
"Whatever you want, Julia. Sit."
"Ok. TV?"
She kicked off her flip flops, then sat next to him on his bed. She looked around the room. The blood red walls, whose idea was this?
"I didn't notice these red walls the last time I was here."
"You weren't exactly looking at the walls."
"I feel like I'm sitting inside a giant bloody vagina..." Julia thought aloud as she looked around. He tried not to laugh, but couldn't keep it in. She smiled a little, relaxing. "Serious, Tavin. What the hell..."
"I like red. It's my favorite color."
"How did I not notice this?" She asked, laughing. What on earth? She thought to herself.
"It was this color last time you were here." He said, still laughing. "I'm glad you're here. That's the best laugh I have had in days."
"Ceiling is white tho. That's why I didn't notice." She said, scooting down, laying flat. "I musta thought that was the wall. Gosh, it's nice though, Tav. You did a great job reconstructing this mess."
"Basement's next. I wanna move Jay down there. So he can have his own space. The walls are thin up here. I should have insulated."
"Oh, Jess is loud."
"Tell me about it. She slept over a couple nights ago. I thought they'd never stop. He's not exactly quiet either." He said.
"Hey, gimme your cell. Mine is downstairs." She said, holding out her hand. He placed it in her palm. She texted her dad, let him know where she was and that she was fine. She handed it back. "Dad." She said.
They watched TV a while, holding hands. Quite quiet.
"Thinking?" He asked.
"No. Not really. Kinda bored. Wanna fuck or not?" She asked. "Cause I can go to sleep."
"Yeah, Julia. You're all acting like you don't want to."
She laughed. "I laid down."  She held her arms up. "I'm ready." She laughed.
"That was my signal, huh?" He asked.
"Didn't think you needed one."
"Nice just having someone to talk to for awhile, Julia."
"I know." She said, undressing. "No weird stuff, please."
"No weird stuff? It wasn't weird." He smiled, pulling off his boxers. He laid between her legs.
"It was too. Keep it clean, Keller." She argued, pulling his tee over his torso and head. She tossed it on the floor with her clothes. "Normal sex."
"No such thing, Red."

Julia woke up long after Tavin had left for work. Work, maybe I need a job. That would keep me busy...she thought. She got up and redressed, then went to the bathroom. No toothbrush, no anything. She had no stuff there. She wasn't sure whether to bring stuff there. Too soon...she thought. But she would have liked to brush her teeth. No medicine. She would have like to take her meds. I gotta go home.
She went downstairs and found her cell in the kitchen, found Jay eating with the kids.
"Hi, guys." She said, opening the fridge. She startled them.
"Didn't know you were here." Jay said, surprised to see her.
"Well, I am." She replied. "Got in late. You were asleep."
"How you feeling?"
"Fine." Julia answered, opening her cell and calling her dad. He didn't answer. "Hey, got any money?"
"Why? For what?" Jay asked suspiciously.
"So I can get home, Jay. You know, the bus. My dad didn't answer. I left with him last night and only brought my cell."
"What were you doing with him?"
"We went to a meeting and we came back here. That's all. Nothing-why? Do you think we were-"
Jay didn't answer, but Julia knew what he meant. "We weren't getting high, Jay."
"Shh, the kids." He hushed her.
"What? We're addicts. They should hear it now and know what it's about rather than hiding it and hoping it doesn't happen to them." She said calmly. "Don't come down on him too hard, Jay. He slipped up. He's back on track."
"It's about trust, Julia. Not about using anything."
"Ok. That's fine. Then just say that."
"So you're an addict now?"
"I guess. I feel like one and I felt like one last night. Compared to what everyone else had to say at that meeting, I caught it at the right time. Before it got too crazy. Or crazier."
"Are you on your meds?"
"Yes." She answered. "So can I have a couple bucks for the bus or not? I'd like to take my meds and brush my teeth, get changed. I don't have anything here."
"Maybe you shouldn't have left so fast."
"You weren't there. I wasn't thinking about a tooth brush or clothes."
"Not the first time, is it?"
"Nevermind, Jay. I'm not arguing with you." She mumbled, getting up to leave. She took her water bottle and left the kitchen.
"On top of my dresser, Julia." He called. "The money. It's on top of my dresser."
"Keep your money." She said to him and left the house.
Jay's hard feelings about money were valid she found out. She spoke with Tavin on his lunch break who called to make sure she was up and ok. Their weekend together, Tavin had taken his money and bought them more drugs. Julia was pissed.
"No wonder he was mad at me. You could have told me. Oh, God. We stole from Jayson?"
"You didn't. I did. Double shifts, Julia. What do you think I was working double shifts for?"
"You should have told me."
"How much fucking money did we steal from Jayson? I would never steal from Jayson. Why would you do that?" She yelled.
"Because it was there. And we needed it."
"You asshole. How much money, Tavin?"
"A few hundred, Julia."
"What the fuck is a few hundred? I have money."
"You got money like that?"
"Yes. The pussy isn't cheap, Tavin. The things I have done to get money...How much do I owe him? No wonder he was fucking mad at me."
"Well, he had 800 and I paid him back two."
"So we owe him six then. I'll take it to him. I cant believe you put me in a spot like this. If we needed money, I have money."
"Just from fucking Hayley? Julia-"
"No, not just from fucking Hayley. That's a whole other story."
"Who else have you fucked?" He asked.
"Tavin, it was ugly in Philly. You don't understand where I was-"
"I think I can probably understand that."
"So, I will pay him back. I will take care of it."
"Who else have you fucked?"
"Not now, Tav."
Julia ended the call and remembered what she did. She'd forgotten about it when she left Philly. She'd left it there. Julia got dressed and then went to the bank. She withdrew $600 from her account and then got the bus back to Jayson's. He was in the yard with Tatia, playing on the swings. Her pool was filled. She wore her little bikini, playing with Daniel, which meant Kelly was around. She handed the money in an envelope to him.
"I didn't steal from you, Jay."
"Then why are you paying me back?"
"Cause I used the drugs he bought with your money."
"Is this Chess's money?"
"No, it's mine. I have my own money, Jayson. If he'd told me what he was gonna do I would have used my own money, not yours."
"Where did you get money? You don't work, Julia."
"Chess wasn't the only one who worked in Philly. Probably why I haven't spent it." She answered. "Look, I can't talk about it, Jay. I left Philly in Philly." Julia thought a minute, thought about telling him and feared he'd only think less of her. He already thought she was a drunk whore, so it wouldn't matter, but it would matter to Julia. "I promise you it will never happen again." She watched Daniel play in the pool. "Is Kelly here, Jay?"
"Yes. She went to the store with Jess. You can stay, Julia."
"I can't stay, Jayson." She groaned. "Not a good idea to have the drunk whore girlfriend in the middle of the playdate."
"You heard me? I -"
"It's the truth, Jayson." She shrugged. "I may be a drunk whore but I am not a thief. Did he take anything else?"
"No."
"Thank God. I gotta get out of here."
"How much drugs can two people do?" he asked, looking at the envelope in his hand.
"A lot and alcohol." She called and slipped out before the girls got back. That weekend...the sex...the drugs...the depravity...bottom...that was bottom...with someone I love...

Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Three days in a bedroom naked with Tavin. She didn't want to think about it. Hands down the best and worst experience of her life. So dirty, but so good. So wrong but so right. Tavin did have a dark side, and so did she evidently. She shuddered at the thought...the weird stuff. She forced it away from the front of her mind. Her thoughts drifted to Philadelphia. Hayley and the others. She felt so used and dirty and shameful. She didn't feel like that then, so numb. She felt nothing then. What she thought was pleasure, pained her to think about.
How did I let myself ever think that was right? The things only she knew about. And Kevin. Luckily Kevin kept his business and his personal separate, so anything he ever did, Hayley never knew about. It was none of her business. And for awhile, Julia had been his business.
Julia got home and created a new notebook. She sat on her bed with her highlighter and her copies of step one and the questions for self reflection. She started her journey. Her life had been unmanageable for a long time. Since having come home from zombie world, she'd spiraled into drugs and out of control. Philadelphia didn't help the situation, hanging out with a drug dealer didn't help the situation. In zombie world she had two choices, marijuana and alcohol. Bad alcohol that tasted like battery acid. She could trace her drug and alcohol use back to when her mother died. Christ, I have mommy issues now? She'd started to dabble in alcohol back then and pot. They all did. How did she break and cross over from a dabbler to an occasional user to a regular user. Alcohol was most available to her and she spent a chunk of her life drunk. She made a million little excuses and dragged others into her excuses. Her entire addiction was fabricated through a lie, a world of zombies and running and stress and fear. She sat trying to separate her alcohol use from her drug use. She felt sure that they were 2 entirely separate issues, but the more she wrote and looked at her life as a whole, it was all the same. It was all about what was available at the time. She'd chipped away at her morals and values, recreating an entire new way of doing things and everyone around her never said a word, except for Jayson. Toward the end, Tavin had worried about her and asked her to watch out. He saw the train before it wrecked. In all honesty, she'd never readjusted to the new normal. Having jumped from the flipside to the new normal, she watched as everyone readjusted to life and moved on. They all got to adjust and re-enter their previous existence and she couldn't. She died of culture shock, the drugs revived her. She knew she was lost. She knew she was hopeless and was constantly trying to find a way to adjust but she always failed. She passed her days looking for her past in the present, obsessed with an end that everyone told her was a delusion. Separation anxiety coupled with Amanda having survived, re-entering along side of her. The rape that she never dealt with, the original reason to self medicate.
None of this is my fault, but I feel totally responsible for it. She wrote. Would I have done half or more than half of what I did without the drugs and alcohol? The overbearing and in her face answer was no. I should have stayed sober when I quit the first time. Chess enabled me. I used him as a source. I used him and manipulated him to get what I wanted. Dragged his skinny butt to Philadelphia, encouraged him to do things he didn't feel comfortable with.
She eventually tired of all the self exploration. All she discovered was ugliness, sadness, pain, hurt, loss. She lost her identity and then she lost everyone. How does one transition from ultimate freedom to being enslaved and told what to do? Every one just conformed to it all over again. No autonomy. No choice over their ultimate direction. When Julia saw as limited choices, everyone else saw as limitless choices.
Julia laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. There's more, I just can't do it anymore today.
She woke to her phone ringing. When she answered it, Tavin was outside her door.
"I was sleeping." She said, opening up the door and letting him in. He saw all her papers and the laptop and the pens and highlighters spread across her bed.
"What's all this?" He asked, preferring not to look at the papers.
"Step one. It's the workbook. I'm working. You said-"
"Oh," He smiled. "What workbook?"
"I found it on line, Tav. See, look." She said, pulling him to her bed. She showed him the website she found. "See, approved literature. I like how this is all laid out for me. Very organized. It explains all the different parts and I answer the questions."
"Oh," He smiled.
"You didn't do this?"
"No, not like that. No, but whatever works for you."
"It makes me think. So, I think it's good. There's a lot involved in step one, Tavin."
"I know. You're already done it though."
"No, oh there's so much to think about. I haven't thought in so long-"
"Stop. Stop it. Stop thinking, please."
"What are you doing here? Only one shift today?"
"Yeah. Just one. Come over and have dinner."
"Why?"
"Why not? Aren't you hungry?"
"I guess. What are we doing? Are we dating or-"
"I want to hang out with you. Is there something wrong with that? You wanna go out somewhere?"
"Define what we are please."
"Why are you acting like this? Julia, we had a three day discussion of what we are. Granted, we were pretty fucked up those three days, but I think it's safe to say what we are."
"Co-dependents?"
"Jesus, I don't even know what that is. Stay off the fuckin' internet."
"Well, from what I read, codependency is-"
"I don't wanna know what it is. I got enough problems." He paused. "We are what we always have been only we can do it all the time." He hadn't seen nervous Julia in years. He hadn't seen anyone so shaken up by him since he first gave into Kelly.
"You aren't like that all the time are you? We haven't had that much sex together and the sex we have had together has been the best sex like ever, but that weekend, that can't happen again."
"That was intense."
"Intense?"
"It wont happen again. Julia, that was the weirdest thing I have ever done and for you, thinking back on it, it wasn't a smart choice."
"I couldn't do that without drugs. We can't do that, if that's anything near what you normally do."
"That is not my normal. That was...intense and it was so good, Julia. But no." He told her, trying to reassure her. "Is that-are you scared? You wanted me to-"
"I wanted you to, yes. That was all me."
"And what you did to me. Excuse me, hello. But I don't think you'll do that again. I can't see you ever doing that to anyone else. Who would let you?"
"Other than you. You're-there's something wrong with you."
"And you."
"I'm more like the bedroom and bathroom Julia, not that weekend Julia. You know that, so we're clear."
"We can't even say what we did and look at each other, so...I think I understand what you're saying."
"It's frightening now."
"I realize that. You said to do it."
"But it was so good, because it was you. Hands down, the best sexual experience of my life. That's why it freaks me out. Cause it was the worst sexual experience of my life."
"I didn't hold a gun to your head, Julia."
"Only because we didn't fucking have one."
"Julia-"
"It's the truth, Tavin."
"Firearms are not sex toys. I draw the line there. Even high, Julia. God." He said, taking her hands. He pulled her little body against his. "Julia, think good things, Julia. Think positive."
"Dinner, huh? What are we eating?"
"I thought we'd grill."
"And then?" Julia gathered up a few things, primarily a tooth brush and her meds. "Are you bringing me home?"
"I will never bring you home. I don't know why you even left."
"Oh." She continued with a change of clothes and some pj's and her note books. "I'm glad I did. Kelly was over today."
"Does that bother you? "
She ignored that question and asked her own. "How often does she come over?"
"She hasn't since I was painting the house."
"Tavin, girls are evil, man. Just sayin'." Julia said, coming out of the bathroom with her bag. She tossed it to him. "I'll meet you outside. Gonna tell dad where I'm going. And when you come over can you use the front door?"
"What if it's the middle of the night?"
"You know what I mean."
Julia had to interact with Kelly a short while till her dad picked her up after work. Kelly was like ice toward her with good reason, a normal reaction. Julia let it go. She stayed in the other room, readying Daniel for the ride home, changing him from his wet suit into dry clothes. The mood in the house was tense. Tavin started the grill and stayed there. Julia followed him out there and waited. "She was supposed to be gone by now." He said before Julia could open her mouth.
"It's awkward. I told you it would be, having me here."
"Julia, technically she's in your house too." He pointed out.
"Please, it's too soon to go there, Tav."
"You bought into it, remember? Or we'd still be at Sandy's."
"That was Chess's money, Tavin, not mine."
"I'll talk to Jay and Jess, okay?"
"She's going to be a problem, Tavin. I'm telling you. Don't have to be psychic to see it either."
"We've been through this before."
"It's gotta be hard for her. She's here for more than Jess and Jay and a playdate. Tav, you can't see that?" Then she thought a minute. "Who says I even want it worked out? She's not related to us. Jess has a pool. They need to go there."
"She's your friend."
"I think this is a deal breaker don't you? You two are brothers. Her..."Julia said, pointing as she came outside to hang the wet suit up. Julia flushed red.
"Kell," Julia called. She looked at Julia and Julia felt horrible. A little voice, a sober voice inside her spoke. "To avoid any future problems, don't come back here." Kelly opened her mouth to speak. Julia cut her off. "I want you to think carefully before talking back to me." She turned to leave. "Take the suit with you and make sure you don't leave anything behind." 
Kelly pulled the suit off the patio railing and head back inside the house. Tavin shook his head, adding more charcoals to the small fire he'd built.
"I'm not done talking to her. I will. Just not here."
He just shook his head and replaced the grate on top of the fire.
"I was nice, Tavin."
"You were. Nice. Direct." He nodded.
"I could have escalated that."
"I'm aware of how that could have escalated."
"What's the problem then? You should have done it. It's your house."
"What about the kids?"
"What about them? They'll have to take that somewhere else." Julia explained. "What about my feelings? So worried about hers."
"Ok. I understand."
"It's what I want, Tavin. I got enough problems. She's one more. This isn't how I planned on-why am I even explaining myself to you?" She asked.
"You don't have to." He said, planting a kiss on her forehead.

Dinner was good and no one spoke. This can't be all because of me...Julia thought. God, I need a drink...we're like the bad children at the table who got in trouble and now no one's talking to us. Jay spent the day being brainwashed by these two girls...or was he mad at Tavin? She'd already spoken to Jess a handful of times, apologized for making an ass of herself and messing with her when she was drunk.
Julia chose not to entertain them and started cleaning up from dinner. She put trash in the can and washed up the dishes they'd used. She played with Tatia and she wore her out a couple hours before getting her into the tub for the bath she gave herself. She readied her for bed and watched TV with her and Tavin in the living room.
"Are they mad at me? Or you? Or us?"
"I don't know." He answered. "This is normal. Just let them come around."
"What's normal? Their anger?"
"Yeah, it's part of it. They say they love us, but they're mad at us. They don't trust us either. It's weird."
"You talked with Jay though right?"
"Yes, a lot of times. They get tired of hearing it."
"We are the way we are and they have to deal with us."
"And every stupid thing we do. It hurts. I see both sides. Karen, Julia. All Jay's Karen shit carried over to me and now you."
"I'm not Karen Kell-" She stopped herself. "I am Karen Keller. Tavin, oh my God. I am like your mother. It's so clear now, the pull between all of us."
"I'd hardly call you my mom, Julia." He laughed. "That's stretching it."
"All those horrible things I said about Karen, Tavin. I'm just like her. You don't see the similarity?"
"No. You do have your problems, but she took it to a new level."
"How am I so different? Jay said it himself, the drunk whore girlfriend..."
"On the phone today-the things you've done for money."
"I'm just like her, Tavin."
"No, I can't believe that. No. Not you. You wouldn't." He said.
"Would you think less of me if I would? Or consider that I may be more like her than you think?"
"What did you do to get the money you paid Jay, Julia?"
Julia had perked Tavin's interest in her Philadelphia experience. She had offered up what she believed to be enough information. She didn't need to dive into it and start picking all that apart, especially with Tatia in earshot. When Jay came downstairs for the girl and took her up to bed, Tavin started again. She'd never pried into his deepest secrets in his mind, he'd offered them up to her voluntarily.
That night at the farmhouse when he disclosed his past to her, he needed to do that. He chose to do that.
"But I didn't hint around and make you wonder either." He pointed out as he got comfortable behind her on the sofa.
"I did the same thing you did only I did it more than once. That's all."
"How did you find people?"
"On the internet, Tavin. It's a website. Kinda like a dating site almost where the guys or girls go online and post their pics and their likes/dislikes and then the girl, one of a few cause there weren't many of us, is put in contact with the particular person. I suit some people's needs."
"What are some people's needs?"
"First off, let me say I was not on a street corner. It's relatively safe with relatively normal people. I never felt like I was danger."
"Wonderful, I feel better now. Please, go on." He said sarcastically.
"Well, do you want person by person or what?"
"Who were the people?"
"Normal people. The guy that's into kids. Not little kids like ours, but the cheerleader or the catholic school girl. That kind of slutty thing. That's the protected part. Like we use condoms and most of the time they're old and they don't last long so I made fast and easy money. Like the one guy came in like 5 minutes, so he had me for like 2 hours posing for him, fingering myself. I let him spank me. He was harmless. The catholic school girl thing was big. Not sure why. The one time I was the maid and I cleaned the house naked while he jerked off and watched me. That was easy."
"Oh, my God."
"I let two guys do me at once. It was a favor. That was nasty. I had one coming on my face and one on my stomach. I had to watch them do it too, so it kind of turned me off. I almost vomited."
"Julia, the girls? I thought you said girls."
"The girls. I had girls too, but that was if me and Chess saw one and liked her enough to hook up. I didn't get paid to fuck girls, Tav. I like girls and I-I just like them." She thought back. "I did have a married couple once. They wanted a threesome. The housewife, she was not my idea of hot, but she got off just the same. Her husband watched then joined in."
"That's like an escort."
"Well, yeah. Only we usually never went anywhere. There's a lot more. I'd do two or three of these a weekend. For six months."
"It's all very strange and at least you weren't on a corner with random guys, but you didn't have to do that."
"There was the virgin. His dad bought me for him. Like really. 17, like my age. A great guy, just had no social skills. Awkward and I felt bad doing it to him. He wanted to, but that's not how his first time should have gone down. With a girl who he'd never see again. The next weekend I went back to the same place and had his dad. Cause dad liked what he saw I guess."
"You can stop now."
"There's a difference I have learned between guys who have general fetishes, the married couple who wants to experiment, the old guy whose wife died and is lonely and boys our age. They're demeaning and cruel and just ugly. I can physically and mentally handle just about anything, but the frat party. After that I couldn't do it anymore. I should have walked out of there.  It's a party and pack mentality. They think they can hold you down, bite you, ram you, twist your tits. I'm not a blow up doll, but they treated me like one. It was awful. They drunker and higher they got, the worse they got. It was humiliating. I had never been so degraded in my life. And they were mean to each other. Like I was a game they had on there table to be played. I was so sore and felt like shit."
"Ok, so that's it?"
"There's Kevin. We tried. I'm too little. Or he's too big." She said, trying to think. "So after the frat party, I backed out. I said no more. That frat, he had people go see them. I don't know what he did or what came of it, but he took care of it.  So after that he had them brought to me at a place near his. Only people he felt comfortable enough to bring to me. It didn't last very long. I had so many drugs in my system in that place, big bird could have fucked me. It was all so random and I was literally numb through all of it. Kev fuckin' fired me. I mean who gets fired from doing that? Me. So it was time to stop, slow down and just fuck Hayley. Hayley was my cake, Tavin. She's the only enjoyment I really took away from there. "
"Where was Chess?"
"Doing his thing for Kevin. I didn't know details, It's business. Just like I was business. But while Chess was away, I performed a service. In the beginning when I had my shit together anyway. At the end, I was a fucking mess."
"Did Chess know?"
"No, why?"
"I'm glad. I wish I knew. I would have come and got you. Why would you?"
"For us. So when he gave you the money, we'd still have something. Whether I used it now or down the road, it didn't matter. I didn't want to walk away with nothing."
"How much?"
"Enough to cover what he gave you. Kinda break even I suppose. I made just as much in a school girl outfit as he did risking felony time."
"Please don't tell Chess this."
As they finished the conversation, Jay came downstairs again. He passed by them and went back to the kitchen. He rummaged in the fridge and brought out a small tub of strawberry ice cream.
"You gonna be here in the morning? I'd like to run."
"Yeah. I will." Julia answered. "Gonna run off that ice cream?"
"Gonna feed it to Jess. Can you take her home in a little while?"
"Sure, Jay." Tavin answered.
When Jess was ready, Tavin drove her home. Julia went upstairs and got a shower. She set out some of her stuff on the counter in the bathroom. She took her medicine, which made her tired, slowing the constant churning thoughts in her mind. She could feel herself slowing down and relaxing with in a half hour. She wished the meds could maintain that feeling all day long. Whatever was in them was working. She felt good. She felt stronger. She felt better. More clear headed. She was starting to feel like herself again, that girl that was normal, the one she forgot about, the one she left making snow angels in her front yard.
"That's where it happened." Julia said to herself. "How do I get back to her? Spent all this time saving their asses and no one rushes in to save me. They just let me do whatever the hell I choose. No one stopped me. Why didn't anyone tell me no? Cause no one tells me no. That's why."
When she stepped out of the bathroom, she saw Jay sitting on the floor playing Xbox. "Who you talking to?"
"Myself, Jayson." She stayed in the bathroom doorway. Personal fucking space, she thought. "Hey, you mad at me?" She had to ask. She'd been dying to ask since dinner.
"Nope."
"Cause you can get mad, Jay. You can even stay mad. It's ok. I'd understand." She said. "Is it cause of Kell?" He didn't answer. Ah, she was right. "Did you want me to leave, Jay?"
"Not my house."
"I didn't ask whose house it was."
"That was wrong, making her leave when she was leaving anyway."
"I didn't make her leave. I asked her nicely not to come back."
"Same fuckin' difference, mom." He whined. He looked like a 12 year old, pouting on the floor.
Back off, Julia. Let him be mad. "I have feelings too, Jay."
"Yours are always more important though." He's trying to pick a fight.
"I asked her not to come back cause it has to hurt seeing him and seeing us together. It's only going to make her feel worse. Believe me. We've been through this before."
"You keep doing it to us."
"You could at least look at me if you're going to be mean to me. Say it like you mean it."
"Don't put us in a place where we have to choose sides, then."
"Choose hers. She hasn't done anything wrong."
"OK, Jules."
"Ok, Jay. Good night."
Julia went in the bedroom and opened her Facebook page. She opened the messages found Georgie Pullman. "Hey, it's been awhile. How are you. I was thinking about you tonight. Haven't heard from you in awhile. You alright? I saw your graduation pictures. You looked so handsome. Who's the girrrrllll????" She closed the messages, then scrolled through the face book feed. She hadn't been on face book in awhile. When Georgie didn't get back to her, she almost closed the app when she noticed her profile picture. She was sitting in a wheel chair in her apartment. Dylan had taken that picture of her. How's that even possible? Weed and tacos. She closed the app, closed the phone. She didn't care.
"God, she talks a lot." Tavin complained when he came back.
"She does." Julia agreed.
While Tavin showered Julia wrote in her notebook about her truth session with Tavin and her idea that she was similar to Karen Keller. She noted little question marks in the margins for further thought and listened to CNN in the background. A little news blurb about an infection in a Virginia town and a hospital involved shooting. The shooting was what brought out the news, not the infection. As she listened to this, the broadcast had made Jay get up and come into the bedroom.
"Julia-" He said sitting on the end of the bed.
"Quiet." She hushed him.
Police lights. The local news reporter rattled off manufactured facts. "A disgruntled family member..."
"No. Fuck the words, look in the background." She said moving on the bed. She stepped onto the floor and she pointed at the screen. "She is a distraction. Look here." She said, drawing Jay's attention from the newscaster to the background. "Military." They both had chills. This was all too familiar.
"4 dead." Jay said, searching the background.
"In the hospital though?" Julia told him. The newscaster continued with the background on the story. Three more dead in a home not too far from the hospital. "Jay, Those dead are all connected."
"They turned, Jules."
"You don't call in military to a shooting. That's the cops job. Why's the military there?" Julia asked, taking a seat beside him. Jay stared at her as she reached for her notebook and jotted down the details.
"I hope it's contained."
"Should we get go bags together? Have shit ready in case, like we had in the library." He whispered.
Julia thought a minute, feeling excited for the first time in a long time. "Jayson, I'm delusional remember?"
"But I'm not." He stated. "Same shit, different day. Let me know."
Julia pointed at the screen. More military vehicles. Commercials. When the commercial break was over, they had moved on to other news and Virginia was a memory.
"What happened?"
"Jay this isn't the first time this happened. I been telling you all along. All of you. There were two other outbreaks."
"And you said nothing?"
"I'm delusional, Jayson. I was shut down. The last two were contained. This one will be. But we need to be prepared. Jay, I am not crazy."
Tavin came into the bedroom and saw them watching the news sitting next to each other. Both looked like they'd seen a ghost. "What's up?"
"Watching the news." Jay said, getting up to leave them alone.
Jay left and Tavin kicked the door shut. "What was on the news?"
"A shooting. In a hospital. In a house. All dead. They were sick." She said, hoping he'd pick up on the details, which he did.
"Which is why Jay was in here."
"I'm delusional. Now Jay's delusional."
"You look excited."
"Oh, I am. Tavin. I feel alive for the first time in ages." She grinned, putting her book away. "I had a witness. It's not just me and my delusions any more. I have been fucking validated by someone else."
"That's all you wanted? Some one to tell you that you aren't crazy and all of it could happen?"
"No. I wanted someone to believe with me. Jay just gave me that little spark of hope. Like no matter what we're all going to be ok. Like I can live with this or I could live with that. Either way, it's a survival thing. The desire to survive."