Julia read step two. Several times, she read it and found herself stuck with all the higher power talk. She was hoping for a sign, a signal from the universe that would point her in the direction of what her higher power should be or the form her higher power should take. She sat on the back patio beneath the umbrella at the table and thought about it. Who's my higher power? She'd never tossed the idea of God around and felt she didn't want to start. She was 100% sure there was an afterlife somewhere and felt sure it was a comfortable place, but she doubted the idea of someone, a being, an almighty running the show.
She watched Tavin's dark skinned body as he moved around the back yard. He'd finished cutting the grass and was sweeping the driveway. His body was fine, all cut up. Shoulders broad and the muscles moving excited her. Brown skinned and sweaty, the six pack that led down to the thick waist, but the V at the waistline made her melt.
"Tavin."
"Yes." He called.
"I'm stuck. Who's your higher power?"
"God, Julia."
"So you feel him like guiding you?"
"No, but he's the one I chose."
"Why?"
"Cause I believe in God, Julia. That's why."
"You think he's up there, huh? For real, Tav?"
"For real."
Well, shit...I can't use his then. I'm about to choose the next bird I see. "Tav, come on. Help me out. I can't move on without one. How do the people without one answer these questions?"
"You'll know when you know." He called, going inside the shed to put his lawnmower and broom away.
The later it got, the more people appeared near the kitchen. Jay, the kids, Jess. Julia noticed this as she sat with Tavin on the patio, scribbling in her notebook. "Hey, what's up, guys?" Julia asked.
"Um, nothing, nothing." Jay said as they ducked away from the door and spread out around the first floor.
"Jules, have you got to the step that tells you how to make dinner?"
"Oh, I can't cook." She answered, still scribbling in her book. Then she realized that he was hinting to her. She looked over her notebook at him. "Really, Tavin. I can't cook."
"Who cooked before?"
"Sandy or Ellen, duh. If we got hungry we picked a house and just showed up. Take out, fast food, delivery. Are you serious? I can try, Tav. I didn't know you wanted me to. You got any fish sticks? Tater tots?"
"You never cooked anything other than that?"
"No."
"Who cooked for you and your dad after your mom died?"
"Oh, him. I never had to." She answered. "Other than microwaving stuff, I never even...no."
"Ever been food shopping?"
"Um, no. I never had to cook anything."
Tavin got up and went inside the house. "The reason they're all standing around is because they're hungry." He yelled to her. Julia followed him in the house and watched as he pulled a frozen lasagna from the freezer. He was angry, Julia sensed the frustration coming off him. She'd never seen him really go off before and she felt it was coming. Jay started toward the kitchen, sensing it too and Julia waved him off. She kept her distance. "It's not that fucking difficult. You open the fucking box and put it in the oven. This thing here, Julia."
"I see it." She felt like she was being yelled at by her parent, a very angry parent. Oh, God, how do I stop this? Should I stop this? Maybe he needs to do this? Tavin continued to open the box and put it in the oven. He messed with the dials on the stove.
"That fucking easy. 1 hour. The directions are on the fucking box." He threw the box at her.
"What's the real problem? Are you trying to pick a fight? Cause I can give you one. I'd prefer not to fight with you." Julia took a deep breath, left the box on the floor where it had landed.
"Pull your fucking weight. That's all."
"Ok. I can do that."
"Why don't you try it sometime?"
"You're right. I have been lazy and I haven't done anything to help you." He stared at her. "I think we could all do something."
"You could." He said, calming down.
"You work and you work hard. You pay the bills and we just sit around all lazy, expecting you to take care of us." Julia looked at Jayson. "I'll take care of this. We'll work it out."
"Yeah. We will." Jay said.
Tavin was still calming down and started to head outside.
"Yo," Julia called. He turned to her. "Pick the fucking box up. Don't ever throw anything at me ever again."
"Yeah, ok. I'm sorry." He said, picking the box up from the floor. He took it and his cigarettes outside.
Jay slid into the kitchen and stood next to her. "I thought he was gonna go off."
"He's allowed. Think he's not allowed to be angry?"
"Thanks for stopping him."
"He's right. We are pigs. Place looks like a crack house."
"In the morning?" He asked.
"Sounds good to me." Julia said.
She went back outside and took his cigarette from him. She took a couple drags and gave it back. He sat in his chair on the patio, she sat on him. " I knew it was going to be this, but you and Sandy said 'grow up, Tavin'. Take care of things."
"What's the alternative?"
He grinned. "We'd already be dead."
"I would have a hard time keeping up with you living the alternative. It's not fun. It's dangerous and it's wrong."
"Look at you, first stepper." he smiled, putting his arms around her waist.
She blushed. "Are you being smart? Don't tease me. I'm trying to take it serious. It hurts my feelings when you joke about it."
"I'm proud of you. You're yourself again."
"And I'm spending so much time worrying about me and my problems I don't think of yours. That's my fault."
"I'm mad cause I gotta tell you. I don't wanna boss you around."
"Well, you can call me a pig then. I won't break."
"I worry that if I flip out on you, you'll run."
"Flip. I don't care. I can flip too. It's hard to control it." She paused. "Seriously, me and Jay, we'll fix it. We'll do it in the morning."
"Does he know how to cook?"
"Yeah, actually. He does. A long time ago, but he does. Basic stuff. Spaghetti. He has this gravy he makes. It is so yummy." She said. "Hey, we could put them out and I can clean for you naked?"
"Not funny."
"I didn't mean it like that. I shouldn't have told you." She frowned. She separated from him and gathered up her books from the table. "I don't wanna burn dinner." She walked away from him.
Jay was up early and out for his run. She heard him leaving. What fucking time is it? She groaned, rolling over and peeking at the clock. 530am. Tavin was up next, 6am. He started his mornings on top of her usually. This morning he tried slipping out without waking her. She heard him moving around in the dark, heading to the bathroom before coming back to the room.
"Not what you thought it was going to be, huh?" She asked.
"No. How about you?"
"No." She answered. "What did you think it was going to be?"
"Fun."
"Yeah, me too." Julia added. "Wanna break up?"
"You're not the problem, Julia." He came back to the bed. He sat on the edge.
"What am I doing wrong?" She asked, starting to cry.
"Nothing. You're not doing anything wrong."
"I wanted it so bad, and here we are with it and it's dying, Tav. I'm sorry."
"I hate seeing you like this. I wish I could help you."
"I don't want help. I just want you to love me like you used to, talk to me like you used to. Yell at me. Anything. I always feel like I am doing something wrong."
"What do you want me to do?" He asked, rubbing her back.
"Stop that. You never fucking do that with me." She said, pulling away from him. "You know what you're doing?" She asked, getting herself up. "You're treating me like Kelly. Stop being so fucking nice to me. Stop caressing me. Stop being polite. You cant be loving and tender with me. I can't handle all that bullshit."
"You want me to be mean to you?"
"I want the sarcastic asshole back. The one that didn't give a fuck if I had feelings. The one that pulls my fucking hair. The one that fucks me instead of makes love to me. Get annoyed with me. Get angry with me. Tell me off. Quit being so sweet. Cause it's gross."
"Well, you quit being so sweet and nice."
"You want the dirty girl. Then quit acting like I gross you out. Ever since I told you about Philly...it's the same pussy you've had forever. Your dick's not gonna fall off, Tavin. I been tested for everything. The pussy is clean."
"I didn't think or say-"
"You are acting like a big, fat pussy. Man the fuck up."
"Julia Fry, are you out of your mind?" He yelled.
"Morgan. My fuckin' name is Morgan. Julia fucking Morgan."
"You are pissing me off, then, Mrs. fuckin' Morgan."
"I don't care. I don't love this wishy-washy, spineless, ball-less-"
"Ball-less."
"I'm not little psychic, virgin middle schooler Kelly. And I am not a fucking mind reader, anticipating every fucking move you make and every thought you have. Our connection is deeper than some psychic bullshit."
"Julia,"
"Reconnect. Get in touch with whatever part of you that dropped off after that weekend."
"I should not have done that to you."
"So the fuck what. Let it go."
"Julia, I can't let it go."
"Was I complaining?"
"After it was said and done, two weeks later... yeah, you complained."
"I didn't. I said I couldn't do it again. I let you do that to me and I still got off on it. It was like the most disgusting shit ever. Why do you think I stopped doing drugs? Stupid choices like that."
"That's why?"
"What did you think it was? A 45 minute romp in a bathroom and a 15 minute conversation next to a pool?" She yelled. "No. It was that. I was ashamed of myself, humiliated myself again. And I dragged your ass into it and you went for it. Then you let me take it even further. And I fucking love you. Babe, that's not loving myself."
He didn't know what to do. He sat processing the whole conversation. She was turning them in so many different directions, he'd become confused trying to remember what started this to begin with.
"Oh, I am so glad I don't have children. Could you imagine having a kid in the middle of all that madness? And you say I'm nothing like your fuckin' mother?"
"Julia, we do have children here."
"They weren't here though. I wouldn't have if they-" She sighed. "What if I did have a kid though?"
"But you don't."
"And I just said I was glad I didn't have kids." She frowned, tears starting again. "I didn't mean. I didn't mean it like that. Shit. Tavin, she's there."
"Where?" He asked, looking around the room.
"Not here. She's out there. The fucking universe. Wherever I met her. Why did I say that? I didn't mean that. I would give anything...she heard me."
"She's not listening. I doubt-"
"How can you say that and believe in God?"
"How can you say she is and not believe in anything?"
"She came for me. I came back for a reason. What's the reason? It obviously wasn't to right the wrong? What's the reason? There's gotta be something more. There is something more."
"You're driving me nuts with the questions. Do we have to talk about it all the time?"
"No, we don't have to talk about it at all. I'll never speak about it again." She answered him. He made her feel insignificant and miniscule. He'd helped her through every other rough time in her life. He'd been there without her asking. She felt she was being pushed away as he was turning his back on her. She didn't understand why? Had she told him too much? Had she trusted him too much?
"It's like you're obsessed with it."
"I'm trying really hard. I'll leave you out of it. Go to work."
"You're overreacting."
"Go to work. Before you're late." She told him, her voice cold. "Please."
Tavin stood up and tried to approach her. "Get away from me." She said, her voice audibly shaken up and he didn't want to leave her but he had to. "Don't touch me."
"Julia, we'll talk later."
"Fuck you."
Once Tavin had left for work, Julia started cleaning up the bedroom. She stripped the bed, gathered the laundry and threw it all down the steps. She needed to keep busy. She needed to keep moving. Her brain was numb with so many thoughts of what had transpired. He'd been so withdrawn. So distant. She applied new sheets to the bed, vacuumed the floor, dusted. As she worked she gathered he things she had accumulated there and left them in a pile on the bed. She vacuumed the hall and then set the vacuum by the top of the stairs. Once she made her way to the bathroom, then started scrubbing in there.
"Hey, Jules, are you alright?"
"Yep." She answered, but continued scrubbing, throwing laundry from the bathroom to the hall. She set new towels and wash cloths on the rack. She scrubbed the tub and wiped down the walls. Once it was smelling fresh and looking clean she gathered up her bathroom stuff and set it on the bed with her other belongings. "Wake up Alex, tell him to get started in there please." She asked as she cleaned the floor in to out the door.
"Julia, what are you doing?"
"Cleaning. I promised you I'd do this and I helped make the mess."
Jay went downstairs with the vacuum, knowing all well that it was way too early to wake Alex and he refused to get Tatia up for the day. He wasn't used to Julia being up this early either. Instead he started the wash. When she came downstairs, he handed her orange juice and made her toast with jelly. She sat quietly at the table, eating with him.
"You know," Jay said suddenly, startling her. She jumped a bit, then settled back in her spot. "I heard all of that."
"I thought you were running?"
"I was coming back, not heading out." Jay said. "You could have avoided all that."
"Yep." She nodded, he smelled so good. The lingering odor of marijuana. She wanted to inhale Jayson. It was his hair, it's in his hair. "God, you smell good." she thought.
"Hear me out, Jules. I understand Tavin's side here. You are totally overthinking this. But I see your side too. You don't want whatever you did to happen again. I get it. I don't know what happened in Philly. I don't know what happened that weekend here. I think you got in over your head. Whatever you were looking for, you didn't find it. Call it a day, Julia."
"Ok, Jayson."
They got out of their chairs and he started cleaning up the kitchen.
"So, Jules, do you wanna smoke with me?" He asked about half way through the kitchen. The counters were clean, the stove. Julia washed dishes and placed them in the rack. Jay put the wash in the dryer and started the next load. "It'll calm you down. It always did." He came out of the wash room and waited by the door. "Come on." He said, holding the door open. Julia went with him, stepping onto the patio.
Jay lit the joint and hit it, then handed it to her. She took a long drag, holding the smoke in her lungs a bit then exhaling it slowly.
"Whenever you got so wound up around everything, it always leveled you out." He told her. "Like it levels me out. Remember when you were Nun Julia?"
"I do."
"Why'd you do that?"
"Cause it was all too heavy. I had to do me, get myself together. Not for you or anyone else. Me."
"You still did everything you had to do, but you stood your ground, found the right people to help you when you needed it and you worked it out."
"I was so angry and so humiliated and so frustrated, it wasn't working, the way I was living with all of you. I knew what I had to do, I had put it off for so long cause it felt good."
"I remember how good it felt, but I'm glad you ended it. I wasn't able to. I think what you did affected all of us. It put us in a different place. When you started getting better there, remember how aware you got. So did I. You forced us to deal with all of it. You took all of it on. None of it is your fault."
"It still feels like it, Jay. If it wasn't for me none of it would have ever happened."
"We all feel the same way, Julia. If it wasn't for me...It doesn't change the fact that it happened. Why stay there? Why try to figure it out? Just leave it go."
"Have you?"
"Yes. And I am not saying that because it's what you want to hear. Gotta pick yourself up and move on. It's ok to do that."
"I've done so many things though since then that-"
"So what? It doesn't matter. What you do from here on out, does. You have to have the right people around you when you need help. That's all."
"Choose the people." Julia took another hit off the joint, before handing it over to Jayson. "I should do what I did when I was in my nun phase, choose the people."
"Got it, Mrs. Morgan?" Jay asked.
"I think so, Jay. Why you always gotta make sense to me?"
"Cause I know you." He smiled down at her. "Hey did Chess come see you before he left?"
"Yeah, he did."
"Did he ask you to wait for him?"
"Um, it wasn't really a conversation. We weren't really talking."
"What were you doing?"
"He needed his wife is all. I did what I do."
"Did he ask you to wait?"
"Not exactly. He's not expecting anything. I didn't make him any promises."
"I think you owe him that much. Julia,"
"What do you want me to do? Just fucking say it, Jay."
"He still needs you to be his wife. Put your fucking rings back on and act like it. And everything you do for the rest of your life, you need to make it up to him. Make it right for him. If all this wrong is yours like you claim, then make it right. You have the power to do that. Look, just do the right thing and it'll all fall into place."
"That's what you do?"
"That is what you used to do." Jay said.
"I get it. I do. Thanks, Jay."
"I'm trying here, Julia." He sighed. "You need to hear a different perspective."
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